We found out last Thursday that we will be parents to a bouncing baby boy in October.
I have to say: I was really shocked when the ultrasound technician told us it was a boy. I was 100% sure it was a girl. Here was my reasoning:
- I had three dreams that it was a girl. THREE.
- I just felt like it was a girl.
- My morning sickness was bad, but not that bad. My mom has always said that when she had my brother, she was sicker than with my sisters; and my sister (who has two boys) was super sick. So I was sure it was a girl.
I was wrong. I was really wrong. (I won't post the ultrasound photo that proves the gender, but trust me, I was wrong.)
I've spent a lot of time in the past few months convincing myself that it was a girl--and to be honest, I really wanted a girl. I knew I would be happy with either (and there are only two choices, after all)... but I wanted a girl. I wanted to buy little party dresses, watch Frozen, and have her quietly sit coloring. I wanted to use the name Hazel.
When the ultrasound technician said "it's a boy!", I had a brief 10-second period of almost crying. I wasn't sad. I wasn't really upset. It was just... wasn't what I expected. I think it's a natural human emotion to want a baby of a certain gender; I genuinely don't see anything wrong with it, unless you punish a child for, you know, not being that gender. I think it's also very human to be disappointed when the baby turns out to be not that gender.
So yes, I was a little sad, but within a minute, I was really happy. Forrest Donald (that's his name, yes it is a mouthful) was extremely active on the ultrasound, flipping around, moving, making the ultrasound technician chase him. It was comforting to see him moving, to see his little heart beating, to watch him open his mouth and swallow a bit of amniotic fluid (this is how babies practice breathing). It was a comfort. It made me really happy.
The minute I left, I treated myself to the things I'd wanted to get the baby that I'd resisted: two little pairs of baby shoes (absolutely useless, but so cute), onesies, teeny pants. And really, it was just as fun buying the blue-themed stuff as the pink-themed stuff. It's still a teeny human.
It's hard to completely verbalize all the feelings that come along with pregnancy. And gender scans are fraught with emotion: you're so excited and you expect (or hope for) a certain outcome. When that doesn't happen, the feeling isn't exactly pleasant, but it isn't unpleasant either. It's just a feeling. And for me, it passed really quickly.
The feeling that is easy to verbalize is how excited I am to by a mom to this little boy and how much I have loved him since the moment I knew he was there. The day I found out I was pregnant, I was so immensely happy. After four very difficult years, I finally felt like all the pieces had fallen into place for Danny and I, and my family as a whole.
So, I am ready. I'm ready for Legos, for Cars Land, for construction toys and high energy. Bring it, Forrest. I got this one.