Inspiration Sunday: Making Magic

I read an article this week that I wanted to find to link here—but I can’t remember what website I read it on (it was one of the biggies!), or the headline. I only remember the basic gist of the article. It was: for a certain percentage of the population, we’ve been doing “fine” through the last 7 months. We put in the work, we persevered, we weren’t falling apart, we supported other people, we put our heads down and worked. And now, we’re absolutely breaking down.

I don’t know about you, but I fall into that category. When lockdown first began in Oregon, I remember telling my therapist, at my last in-person session: “I feel like I’ve been waiting for chaos my entire life and now it’s here and it feels fine.”

7 months on, I can tell you: I don’t feel fine.

April and May were tough months, but nothing, nothing, compares to September. It’s normally one of my favorite months, but this year it felt like a black hole. I tried to keep my head above water, but it eventually became impossible. Most days, I just wanted to hibernate, to stay in bed and not get out.

Maybe that’s why I’m so intent on making October better. Today is Saturday, the day before this post will actually go live, and I’ve tried to do things to cheer myself and Forrest up. I let him pick breakfast (pumpkin pancakes), and lunch (Subway sandwiches), we watched the new animated Addams Family movie in bed, we baked cookies, we watched Scooby Doo on TV.

That is to say: I’m trying to find ways to see joy in things again, just like last week. But in many ways, I’m trying to create memories for Forrest that are more than dismal. I try not to imagine what his memories of this time period will be like when he’s older; I comfort myself by saying, it’s probably for the best that his memories will be super fuzzy.

Here are a few little things we’ve done recently to ✨ make magic ✨ at our house.

• Putting up some new Christmas decorations that I impulse bought a few weeks ago.

• Getting takeout perhaps more than is appropriate.

• Making robots to put on the fridge.

• Making snowflakes to tape on the window.

• Making elaborate dinners. Or making not elaborate dinners, like pizza pockets.

• Letting Forrest create recipes (like “banana bake”, which was basically bananas on graham crackers with melted peanut butter)

• Playing records and having a dance party

• Trying new things (like cashewmilk ice cream)

There are lots of little ways to make each day special, even if you’re feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. (And trust me, I’m right there with you.) It’s a tough time. We’re all doing our best. I know you are too.

Thanks for reading!

10 Things I'm Excited for This October

Happy October! Happy Blogtober!

What a month September was, huh?

I know I’m not alone in this, but it’s been a rough start to my favorite season of the year. But as I’ve been saying recently: happiness is now or it’s never. It is possible to find joy right now. And for me, joy is very much about this season that I love so much.

That’s why, despite everything, I decided to move ahead on Blogtober. It does feel a bit frivolous to be blogging right now; there is so much going on but at the end of the day, my work still has to exist. I still have to eat and pay my bills and finish all the things I started. Part of staying sane right now, for me, is staying grounded in these things, that are ultimately so much in flux.

Today’s blog post is all about the things I’m excited for in October: the things I look forward to every year, the things on my bucket list, the moments where I will dig deep to find the most joy. I hope this, if nothing else, gives you a moment to break and breathe.

1. Celebrating Halloween in a new way. 

Danny and I always say we want to have a Halloween party for Forrest—but every year, we become overwhelmed by the trick-or-treating, the costume, the school stuff. This year, Halloween is on a Saturday, but we know we won’t feel comfortable taking Forrest house-to-house or even to a trunk-or-treat event.

The other options are an at-home Halloween party. We’ve been considering doing an Easter egg hunt style Halloween where we hide candy for Forrest for him to find in his costume. We’re still toying with this idea, but ultimately, we’ll be celebrating Halloween in an entirely new way as a family and that’s exciting to look forward to.

2. Finding new things to do this Autumn. 

When I wrote this list and this blog post, it’s September 13; right now, we are 1 week from the start of the McKenzie River Fire (also called the Holiday Farm Fire), as well as multiple other fires in Oregon. Outside my office window, the sky is completely yellow, swathed in smoke. I haven’t seen the sky, or the sun, in a week now. It’s hard not to feel claustrophobic and depressed about it.

But I hope by the time that this blog post goes live in October 1 that we are seeing some relief from the smoke and claustrophobia, that the fires are at least partially contained, and that we do have the ability to go do new things this Autumn season!

I had fantasies of taking Forrest to the Spring Creek Holly Farm along the McKenzie River, going hiking on the coast, and more. These are things we started doing in quarantine that gave us something to do while being socially distant from other people. We hiked Sahalie Falls, visited the Raptor Center, went to the butterfly center in Elkton… I’m hoping we can keep doing these things.

3. Cooking & baking 

I love to cook and I love to bake. I recently bought a slew of new cookbooks and have been slowly working my way through all of them. It makes me happy to have something I can do each day—plus, tons of leftovers for easy lunches for both Danny and I. Nothing makes me feel cozier than baking either, even if I had the clean up process.

4. Decorating outside

Another item impacted by the smoke! However, we’ve been working on getting the outside of our house cleaned up. Neither Danny nor I are green thumbs and we struggle to keep the outside of our house looking, well, nice. But I’m determined to really decorate and make our outside area cute this year.

5. Carving pumpkins

I don’t care if we make it to a pumpkin patch this year. But carving pumpkins makes Forrest and I bought happy. I will carve a grocery store pumpkin, I don’t care.

6. Making our home cozy

Quarantine turned us all into homebodies, so it goes without saying: making our homes comfortable and cozy and adaptable for how we live has been huge. I’ve ordered both of us new office chairs; I’ve spray painted so much furniture that I gave myself carpal tunnel but like, in my finger if possible; and I’m considering painting an archway on our wall because I’m just that trendy.

Most importantly, I’ve been trying to find ways to make our home super cozy. We’re in for the long haul here, clearly.

7. Taking socially distant day trips

Please let me be able to go to the coast or the mountains just once this Fall. It’s all I ask.

Like I said, we have loved exploring Oregon this summer. Packing up the car with some supplies and a cooler with sandwiches and water has been more fun than anything else. It definitely helped relieve my stress and Forrest has some great memories.

8. Wearing scarves again

I just want to wrap myself in flannel. Please. Let me wrap myself in flannel.

9. Autumn-scented everything

I’m lighting a pumpkin waffle scented candle, I’m setting up my diffuser to have orange and clove oil, I’m using my fireside body spray. I will smell like a carnival and Autumn leaves, this is the point I’m at in my life.

10. Starbucks seasonal drinks

Controversial: I don’t like pumpkin spice lattes. I find them really sickly tasting. Plus, they’re so oddly orange? But salted caramel mochas??? Gingerbread lattes? Peppermint mochas?? I’m here for this.

Where Can I Learn New Skills?

Welcome to the Diversifying Your Skills series! Learning new skills in your life and career can be really rewarding—but challenging at the same time. What does it mean to realize you’re missing a skill for your career or, worse, life? How can you best learn new skills? I’ll be answering those questions and more in this weekly series. You can read past articles in this series here.

In my final article of this series, I want to focus on a specific aspect of diversifying your skills: when you’ve come to the conclusion that you need to learn something new, where do you actually go to learn it?

Primarily, I think most skills are best learned from doing: if you want to learn to be more patient, you simply have to work on it everyday. If you want to learn how to make better graphics on Canva, you should work on making graphics everyday and getting feedback. However, there are some really great places to learn skills that are more high-level. Let’s talk about them!

1. Khan Academy

Khan Academy is a great place for kids to learn extra lessons about math and science. But if you’re an adult, there are some great courses as well for Computer Programming, Economics, History, and more. I love doing Khan Academy courses to brush up on basic skills—prime example, when I was working on my books recently, I did the personal finance lesson to help brush up on some things I forgot. Khan Academy is free for users, which makes it even better.

2. Skillshare

Skillshare is another great option and it has 2 tiers: a Free account, which gives you access to all the Free classes; and a Premium Account, which gives you full access to everything. I have a free account at the moment and I love it—I’ve taken great classes on using my DLSR (something I want to get better at!), marketing, and more. All for free.

However, if you want to upgrade to Premium, it does seem worth it to get access to more classes.

3. Lynda

Lynda is owned by LinkedIn now, which should tell you everything you need to know about it: if you need new skills with a business or tech focus, then Lynda is the place to go. Back in the day (2013, I think), where I worked at the time had a free Lynda membership for employees, so I would spend my days doing courses on Microsoft Word, Excel, everything that employers were suspicious of me having experience in. (Side note: one time an interviewer fully interrogated me about “when” I learned to use Microsoft Excel. Like, 3rd grade computer class? For older people, it seemed bizarre that I just knew how to use Excel because it always existed for me! But I digress.)

Lynda is a paid subscription, but you can get a free month to test it out. A standard plan is $29.99, but if you pay annually, it works out to $19.99.

Should I Outsource or Learn?

Welcome to the Diversifying Your Skills series! Learning new skills in your life and career can be really rewarding—but challenging at the same time. What does it mean to realize you’re missing a skill for your career or, worse, life? How can you best learn new skills? I’ll be answering those questions and more in this weekly series. To read the previous posts in this series, click here.

A few weeks ago, I had a great phone call with a rep from the company, Bench; what they do is basically super easy, efficient bookkeeping for entrepreneurs and small businesses. It’s like Quickbooks, but slightly more millennial (and way easier to use). While I decided to pass on Bench (just for the moment!), it was a conversation I needed to really think about: do I want to learn to do this better (that is, bookkeeping) or do I want to outsource this?

It’s a question for the ages. Even if you’re a regular employee (not a freelancer, solopreneur, or business owner), you’ll eventually have a moment in your career or your life where you have decide if you want to take the time to learn to do something yourself or simply outsource it.

A simpler way to look at it is this: do I want to delegate this task or add it to my plate?

Again, a question for the ages.

This kind of decision making is so common in life; you have to decide how much you want to take on personally, if it’s worth it, if you want to do it, if you can afford to ask someone else to do it.

Here’s the real question though: how can you make the best decision?

When it comes to your career or your life, there is also a benefit to diversifying yourself and letting yourself gain that knowledge. But weighing it against other factors that are just as important is big. In this blog post, let’s talk over some things to think about when it comes to deciding between outsourcing or learning it yourself.

Do you have the time to commit?

Ultimately, one of the biggest decision making factors is time.

Do you have the time to learn this new task?

Are you motivated to learn?

Are you dragging your feet and avoiding it because you have too much on your plate already?

Only you can know if you have enough time to learn a new aspect of your business or career or life. Only you know if you have the time to take it on. If you hate the idea of bookkeeping, or if you simply don’t know when you’ll make the time for it, then outsource it. If you’re already buried beneath work, or if you’re already pretty far ahead in your career, then adding a new skill that might lead to burn out might not be top priority.

A few other time-focused things to consider:

• Is it your busy season? If so, now’s not the time!

• Are you in the middle of a big transition? (Think: new baby, new house, new job, etc.) If so, now’s not the time!

• Are you struggling with your task list already? That’s right; if so, it’s not the time!

Are you outsourcing out of fear?

There is nothing wrong with outsourcing certain tasks. However, ask yourself if you’re outsourcing out of need or fear of learning something new (or because you’re convinced you won’t be good at it/do it well). 

It’s ok to ask for help, but it is important to recognize when we delegate or outsource out of a fear of failure or avoiding something we aren’t sure if we’re good at.

Here’s an example: I hate Facebook ads. Whenever clients ask me to do Facebook ads for them, I outsource this task; I recommend someone else or just ask them not to ask me to do it. I’ve been passed on for other freelancers because of this.

The truth is, I know Facebook ads aren’t that scary. I’ve done them before! It’s not that bad! But I find the process of learning too overwhelming and I fear I won’t be good at it. Managing budgets has never been my strong suit. I know I avoid learning about Facebook ads out of fear of failure. And that’s no good.

It’s my goal in 2021 to take a few courses in Facebook ads and to get better at this aspect of my job.

If you outsource, are you giving that person all the information you need?

This isn’t a time where you get to micromanage someone! I said what I said. If you end up delegating a task, but then you micromanage and obsess over how that person is doing it… listen, maybe it’s you.

When it comes to outsourcing, here are a few things to consider:

• Make it easy for that person to do their job. If you’re hiring them, making sure they have everything they need to be successful is really the bare minimum in terms of your job.

• Don’t be horrible. We’ve all had jobs where we were micromanaged and picked at until we were miserable. If you delegate a task to someone whose job it is to do that task, then they’re an expert. If you’ve spoken to them, vetted them, and learned about them, then you know that. So leave them alone. Let them just do it for you!

Your choice isn’t forever

The most important thing to remember? If you choose to outsource now (your bookkeeping, your taxes, your house cleaning, whatever), it’s not forever. You don’t have to commit to never learning that thing, or never doing that thing again.

You might take it back on when you have more time or after you can take a course. You might give yourself a few years. You might never take it back on. But it’s not a forever thing. You can always change your mind!

3 Fun Things to Prep for Autumn

I will probably write something equivalent in every blog post I write for the next month, but: this is a really challenging time for everyone, especially here on the West Coast. Things have been challenging and difficult for months now, but it feels like things are compacting, right? Getting tighter. More restrictive. In the words of my mother-in-law, “I’m sick of this shit.”

I recently read a tweet, however, that said something like this: it’s possible to feel just as happy drinking your coffee and watering your plants as it is to go on a dream vacation. Joy is joy, and however you’re able to feel it, let yourself take a taste of it and really feel that joy. 

You know what brings me joy?

Wait for it…

Autumn.

I knew you would know, especially if you know me. I love Autumn. I love pumpkins. I love the anticipation of the season, helping Fo pick his costume. I love everything about the season.

That’s probably why this is so hard right now. It’s chillier outside here in Oregon, but only because the smoke is literally blocking the sun and keeping the air colder below it. We can’t go outside—so no apple picking, no pumpkin patch visits, nothing.

But that won’t stop me from finding joy in this season. I can be just as happy buying a pumpkin from the grocery store, decorating my house with what I already have.

So, without further ado, here are 3 fun ways to prep for Autumn. I hope they bring you a little joy!

1. Decorate Your House

I love decorating for Autumn and Halloween. I know it’s not the most popular holiday to decorate for or season to decorate for, but it’s growing in popularity. And, quite frankly, it’s really fun. Nothing makes your house feel cozier.

I have a good stockpile of my favorite decorations and I try not to buy a ton every year. However, I did buy a new, shallow wooden basket for our coffee table and some fake mini pumpkins to fill it. It cost $9 in total—which is a steal, to be honest.

Doing little things to bring you joy is important. Get out the candles, find some little pumpkins, and go wild.

2. Bake Some Cookies

It goes without saying: baking makes your house smell good.

Candles help too. But there is something about the smell of baking cookies.

My favorite recipe right now is the TikTok cookie recipe: 1 cup peanut butter, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp of baking soda, and 1 cup of chocolate chips. It’s just so… easy. We make these a lot for Forrest—he’s always in the mood for a cookie and he’s been holding steady at 31 pounds for a year and a half now, so we need him to bulk up—and they make the house smell good.

But whatever cookie you choose, this is a great way to get in the spirit, forget the world for a little while, and have some fun. Plus, you get cookies at the end of it.

3. Have a Movie Night

I’m working on a list of Autumnal-but-not-spooky/scary/Halloween movies to watch with Forrest… because one of our favorite things to do right now is have a movie night. Make hot cocoa, pop some popcorn, put on a movie, and snuggle up under a blanket. It’s so cozy, so fun, and requires $0 and next to no effort.

If you don’t have a go to list of movies to watch for movie night, let me help you out. Here are a few of our favorites:

• The Nightmare Before Christmas

• Home Alone 2 (I know this is a Christmas movie but Forrest loves it)

• Lego Movie 2

• Coraline

• Fantastic Mr. Fox

• Isle of Dogs

• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Monthly Journaling: 30 Journal Prompts for September 2020

Ready for a short and sweet post? Good!

Today, I wanted to share 30 journaling prompts I’m using in my bullet journal this month. These are great, general prompts to get yourself in the habit of writing every single day. You don’t have to choose just one to write every day—you can pick one or two. Or you can just follow the numbers and take your time. Whatever works for you!

I hope you find these prompts helpful. Make sure to follow me on Instagram for more journal prompts!

Do You Need to Learn New Skills?

Welcome to the Diversifying Your Skills series! Learning new skills in your life and career can be really rewarding—but challenging at the same time. What does it mean to realize you’re missing a skill for your career or, worse, life? How can you best learn new skills? I’ll be answering those questions and more in this weekly series.

When I first started freelancing, I knew there were a few skills I had that set me apart from other freelancers or would simply make me an appealing person to work with. They were the fact that I was organized, knew how to set up and run a project, and was an expert in my field (even if I don’t always feel like an expert in my field). However, there were a few skills that I knew I didn’t have.

That meant I had to learn them.

These skills are important to freelancing, and really to any job, but I just didn’t have them; they included things like networking, bookkeeping, and client management. Learning these huge, new skills took time, effort, and dedication. But I knew I needed them.

As time has passed, I’ve realized that constantly learning new skills, or adjusting what I already know, is a major part of my life and my career. There will always be things we don’t know. But not knowing isn’t an excuse not to learn, not to try, or to give up.

If you’re reading this post, then you’ve probably asked yourself “Do I need to learn new skills right now?” at least once. Let’s break down why learning new skills for our lives or career isn’t a failure, what learning new skills is super valuable, and what else I’ll be covering in this weekly series for September!

What It Means to be a Lifelong Learner

Learning doesn’t stop the moment we turn 18. Or the moment we graduate college. Or when we’re 10+ years into our jobs.

We’re all constantly learning. (And if someone isn’t learning new things every single day, or just refusing to learn new things, well, then, I have some feelings about that and I’m sure you do too.)

On the internet, it feels like everyone is an expert. No one feels like a beginner or someone who is just learning. Influencers position themselves as experts on things (parenting, skincare, home decor), but are they really? You should always question someone who says they are, unequivocally, an expert. Why? Because even experts (and at this point in my career, I’d say I’m expert-level in my knowledge of 2 things: blogging and social media) admit freely that they are learning new things every single day.

Being a lifelong learner means staying curious about things, even unrelated to your career, or hobbies, or life. It means asking questions when people talk to you (because you want to know more and learn!); it means reading articles, seeking out new information, talking to people about solving issues.

Being a lifelong learner doesn’t mean you’re in school all the time; it just means that you’re always trying to improve your knowledge, your outlook, and your life.

The Value in New Skills

When I had my son, I didn’t know how to breastfeed. Even 4 weeks later, visiting a lactation consultant, I realized that part of the reason I never successfully latched my son was because no nurse during our 7-day hospital stay explained to me what I was supposed to be doing. They always just said, “Ok, let’s try to latch him” then just watched my struggle and not know what to do for 20 minutes before sighing and holding out a bottle. (This did wonders for my self esteem!)

There is always something new for us to learn. Something that other people can teach us. When you see someone struggling, there is always a question if you should say something. If you see a new mom struggling to successfully latch her new baby, should you say something? (I’m on the side of YES you absolutely should!) If a new coworker doesn’t know how to use the coffee machine in the break room, should you show them? Yes. If you would want to be taught these things, you should be willing to help others.

Sometimes, learning something new can feel frightening, difficult, or overwhelming. Or sometimes, we end up learning a new skill that invalidates lots of our old ones. (For example, I know Hootsuite like the back of my hand—but because it no longer offers a full suite of scheduling tools to free subscribers, I don’t recommend it or even use it. Working with small businesses has taught me that scheduling tools are far too expensive and it invalidates a lot of my agency-level knowledge.)

Always think of yourself as a lifelong learner, someone seeking value in learning new things; there will probably never be a point in your life where you know everything.

What Comes Next?

So what now?

You know you need to learn new skills—either for your job, or your hobby, or something you want to achieve.

So where do you start?

I’m glad you asked! This month, I’ll be sharing a post every weekend about learning new skills: what skills you need for freelancing, the best places to learn new skills, and much more. I hope you find it valuable! Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter going out at the end of the month for exclusive content.

A Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries

This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts. You can read all posts in this series by clicking here.

This week, I’m finally ready to post my full guide to setting boundaries. This guide will cover everything you need to know about setting boundaries: what that means, how to do it, what to say, and how to keep yourself from letting boundaries lapse.

Boundaries are one of the best things you can do to keep your relationships—from work to home—emotionally healthy, as well as to improve your own mental health. There are tons of benefits to setting boundaries—you can read the pull quote below, but here’s a rundown:

• Setting boundaries reduces your stress, as well as your mental load. If you aren’t having to constantly balance the emotional needs of other people, or be on call to everyone at the same time, then you will experience way less stress.

• If you have children, setting healthy, respectful boundaries teaches them to do the same thing: to set healthy, respectful boundaries, to respect themselves, and to prioritize their mental health.

• Setting boundaries help define the line between your work life and your home life.

I’m glad you’re here and reading my guide to setting boundaries. As I’ve said in previous posts in this series, I’m not a mental health professional—just one person who loves to write and who attends therapy to help set boundaries in my professional and personal life! I hope you find this guide helpful.

How to Set Boundaries

What does it mean to set boundaries?

Good question! Here’s an example to help illustrate what that means.

Let’s say you are a mom of 2. Your children’s ages are 3 and 1. Both are walking, but only one is verbal at this time. They have a bad habit of always following you into the bathroom no matter what. You wish they wouldn’t, but if you close the door, the one-year-old throws a fit and the 3-year-old joins in.

What is a boundary to set in this example?

1. Establishing with the 3-year-old in age appropriate language that you want to be alone in the bathroom. Bathroom time is private time.

2. Remind yourself that you deserve private time. Again, bathroom time is private time and you get to decide if you want your children in the bathroom with you or not.

3. Encourage the 3-year-old to entertain the 1-year-old when you’re in the bathroom. “It upsets [baby] when I go to the bathroom. But bathroom time is private time. If she gets upset, can you comfort her for me? You’re so helpful! When I’m done, we can all bake cookies together.”

Firstly, the boundary is defined: you want to go to the bathroom alone and you have that right, even from your children.

Secondly, the boundary is communicated: from now on, you’ll be going to the bathroom alone and closing the door. There will be consequences if they open it.

Thirdly, acknowledge their emotions. “I know it’s upsetting with Mama goes to the bathroom alone. I love that you want to spend time with me. But bathroom time is private time.”

Lastly, you keep the boundary. When you go to the bathroom, you close the door and you don’t let your children sit at your feet.

That’s just one example of setting a boundary! But here’s a rough outline of those steps again:

1. Define the boundary and why it is important to you.

2. Communicate the boundary.

3. Acknowledge the needs of others.

4. Keep the boundary established (even when it’s challenging).

The last steps is admittedly the hardest one. How can you stick to your boundaries when you have a child crying outside the bathroom door? Or when a client calls you over and over on a Saturday afternoon? Or when your boss asks you to please respond to emails after 7pm? Where do you draw the line? Let’s talk about sticking with our boundaries—that will make up the majority of this guide!

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How to Stick to Your Boundaries

Enforcing Boundaries with Love and Kindness

First things first, let’s remember why we’re setting boundaries in the first place.

In the example I provided, we aren’t setting a boundary with our children to be alone int he bathroom because we don’t like our kids. We want and deserve a few minutes alone; and we want to make sure our children understand that bathroom time is private time.

Boundaries are created out of love and a desire to be better--not a desire to hurt other people.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love the people around us, that we don’t like them, or that we don’t respect them. You can set boundaries and show love and kindness while doing so!

All that being said: sometimes, our boundaries aren’t respected. This doesn’t happen out of unkindness, usually. It just means that perhaps they don’t understand the boundary, they don’t understand why it’s important, or they don’t realize that what they’re doing is crossing the boundary. However, sometimes people do it, plain and simple, because they don’t feel like respecting your boundaries—which means they don’t really care about respecting you. In this case, the only advice I have is this: it’s not your job to make it easier for them to do this!

Enforcing boundaries with love and kindness will look different for everyone. However, here are a few example phrases I keep in my arsenal:

• “Do you remember when we talked about appropriate times to text me? It was a few weeks ago, so I just want to circle back to that and remind you that my working hours are…”

• "Last time we spoke, I mentioned that I do try to get to emails within 24-48 hours. A few days ago, you emailed me 3 times in 2 hours. I get that sometimes things happen, but due to the volume of my inbox, I have to ask you to please not do that. I appreciate you as a client and this project is so fun, but that does get overwhelming for me.”

• “I’m so excited to bake cookies with you later. But for now, I need to work. I’ve put the red light sign on my door. Do you remember what that means?”

Keep gently reinforcing boundaries! You don’t have to be rude (or feel rude!) when you do it.

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Communicating Boundaries Respectfully

When we set boundaries, we want to make sure that not only are we communicating our boundaries, but also acknowledging the feelings of others as we do so. This might mean:

• Reminding our children that we love them and respect them and that, when we’re doing with xyz, we’ll do something fun together.

• Reminding our clients how much we appreciate their work.

• Reminding our friends and family that we appreciate them and love them.

Communicating boundaries respectfully also means acknowledging the boundaries and feelings over others. This might mean having longer discussions about our boundaries, how we communicate best, and how we don’t want to be spoken to. This is great for extremely close relationships, like your partner, siblings, parents, or others.

However, for clients, this is definitely more complicated.

Sometimes as freelance workers, we can feel not like we are a boss, but rather like we have multiple bosses. With all my clients, I try to reiterate one small fact: I am a freelancer, not an employee; as such, I am not beholden to rules of an employer like an employee would be. I set my working hours; I set my response times; and it is up to me set those expectations from the beginning. Those expectations are ultimately boundaries and if a client repeatedly pushes on them, the boundary needs to be established even more—and reinforced, as we’ve discussed. That being said, this is a relationship that is often much more fraught, because it is almost entirely without emotion.

Our work boundaries are often more challenging to communicate than our personal life boundaries—and that’s ok. Here are a few great things to say:

• “Hi there! I’m sorry if you expected a reply to this when you sent it. For the sake of my mental health and to allow myself to be the best employee, I do not respond to work emails or questions after 6pm. I try to get to these emails and texts first thing when I start my work day though.”

• “I noticed that you have been texting me after 6pm a lot recently. Here is how I prioritize my work. Would that help you better understand why I’m not getting to things at a certain time?”

• “Would it be helpful to schedule a weekly check in time so that we can handle all of these concerns at once? Maybe that will reduce both of our inboxes!”

This is definitely challenging work, but it is valuable. The more you communicate your boundaries, and reinforce them, the easier it will get.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

Setting boundaries is where we are all most likely to experience gaslighting, unfortunately. In this case, I want to the Mindgeek on Instagram, who has tons of resources to responding to gaslighting behavior.

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A post shared by Sarah Crosby (@themindgeek) on Aug 21, 2020 at 11:27am PDT

Here are a few examples of gaslighting in response to setting boundaries:

• “I don’t remember you saying that” or “that’s not what you said!” when you remind them of your boundaries.

• “It’s not that bad”

• “You’re just being dramatic.”

If you experience these things, the only thing I can offer is sympathy; know that I understand, your boundaries are valuable and important; and that you know your truth more than anyone else. The Mindgeek’s tips are good ones.

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How to Move Forward

Where do I go from here?

You set the boundary; you communicated it; you’ve been working on enforcing it… what happens now?

The thing about setting boundaries is this isn’t one-and-done work. It requires constant checking in and re-establishing. It can feel overwhelming to think of this work as being one that never ends. But instead of thinking of it as endless (“oh my god, I have to keep reminding my kids to do xyz everyday—this is the worst”), think of it as an opportunity: “each time I remind my kids of xyz, I get another opportunity to teach them to prioritize their mental health and relationships.”

Working on ourselves and our mental health isn’t ever going to be a one-and-done process. Don’t I wish it was! That being said, looking at things as opportunities to grow and change, to experience something new, to work on being our best selves is much, much better than thinking of it merely as endless, slogging work.

I hope you found this guide to setting boundaries helpful. Thanks for reading, as always!