On Going Back to Work

I went back to work January 4, after about 14 weeks away. In those 14 weeks, I had had an emergency induction, had Forrest, spent at least 500 hours pumping (seriously, that's about 24 days in total), and had attempted to rapidly adjust to my life as a new mom. 

At first, I went back part-time and we settled into what I like to think as a Very Good routine. However, as Forrest got older, his sleep deteriorated and I was left feeling just as sleep-deprived and vulnerable as I had in the beginning... with the added bonus of being the sole content marketing team member at a promising startup (and wearing multiple hats, like Content Entry Specialist and Graphic Designer and Marketing Strategist/Analyst/Copywriter, etc.) After we decided to sleep train, things improved rapidly, though. 

The best part about Danny being a teacher is that he gets summers off. At the end of June, Danny started staying at home with Forrest full-time while I went to work. The role reversal has been eye opening for both of us. 

What Danny's Learned

I don't write this to call Danny out or anything, but he really didn't understand how difficult it was to stay home with Forrest all day, provide 100% of the care, and not get any help in the evenings. It's a really common attitude among men, especially new fathers (and even experienced fathers!). The logic Danny had was that he was at work, while I was at home pumping, feeding, and taking care of a baby--all while watching TV. Was it that hard? In the evenings, if I asked for help, Danny would often respond that he was 'tired' or he had had a 'long day.' Which very well might have been true--but I had long days with Forrest too. In fact, every day was a long day, even if there were fun parts. Cooking, cleaning, getting groceries with a newborn, pumping, feeding bottles, holding him for hours and hours of naps... it wasn't a walk in the park. 

I think to Danny, he really didn't think that taking care of Forrest all day would be difficult or tiring. In fact, I think he thought he would have all kinds of time for things. 

The first day though, the minute I walked into the house, Danny said, "I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you." He genuinely meant it and, you know what? He wasn't nice to me during my maternity leave, or even when I was a part-time  stay-at-home-mom. He expected me to do the majority of the housework, the cooking, and all of the care for Forrest, just because he went to work. He didn't seem to understand that being a mom and dad are 24/7 jobs--even if you go to a "real" job the rest of the day. I forgive him, though, because everyone has to learn sometime. 

And I like to think I'm being nicer to him than he was to me. 

What I've Learned

I have a very difficult time finding balance in my life even at the best of times--but especially now. My day starts at 5am and I don't really stop working or taking care of Forrest until he goes to bed at 6pm. And then, once I have time for it, I find myself putting off housework. I bounce between work-Michelle, mom-Michelle, and rest-Michelle--without ever being able to stop and do the things I need to, like vacuum the house or make the bed or fold the laundry that's been sitting at the end of the bed for a week. 

Working full-time is a true challenge for me. But I also find myself being happier than I have been. I love being able to go to work, to succeed  in my career while also being a great mom. I find a lot of personal satisfaction from working and having a career--and as much as I love Forrest, I'm not totally willing to give up being both a competent mother and writer. Being both, however, is a real challenge. 

What We've All Learned

Every day, around 1:30, right as I'm starting to pack up my office... I get a text message that says, "Forrest misses you." From 6:30am to 1:30pm is about as long as Forrest can go without seeing me. I'm sure if he had his way, Forrest would be able to spend all day playing on me or near me, but that's not the world we live in, kiddo, sorry. 

A few other lessons include the fact that, when I let go of things, Danny is perfect capable. Danny has so far kept Forrest fed (both bottles and table food, although he's nervous about feeding him things other than Gerber puffs) and has kept him entertained. They've also done lots of fun stuff together, like read books, go on walks, and drive into town.

I worried when I went back full-time in late June that Danny wouldn't be able to handle things without me--but the reality is, it's harder for me than it is for him. 

Get It, Girl: 6 iPhone Backgrounds to Motivate You

I'm someone who only stays motivated if I see reminders day after day for my goals. Because, here's the thing, I will straight up forget to take steps towards my goal if I'm not continually reminded. I always use my iPhone backgrounds to remind myself to do things (taking screenshots of my Notes and setting it as my background is life), and I especially love downloading new wallpapers to get myself motivated to work out or eat healthy. Here are a few of my favorites right now:  

1. Download Here | 2. Download Here | 3. Download Here

All three available to download here (plus 10 more!) 

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Have iPhone backgrounds you love? Share a link with me on Twitter!

20 Writing Prompts for Actual Adults

Danny and I taking part in an experiment together. Since we have more time in the evenings now, we are spending 20 minutes of them writing. This isn’t really anything particularly special. We both enjoy writing, but we have trouble “making time” for it. We both committed to Camp NaNoWriMo this July, but immediately found ourselves unable to keep up with even the tiniest of goals. However, we can motivate each other to write for 20 minutes on a very specific goal. That meant we needed writing prompts. 

And let me tell you: writing prompts for adults are sparse out there! 

We both also, generally, hate writing prompts: they are too vague or overly specific. They rely too much on making split-second decisions instead of just allowing the writer to tease out a little story. Or, as we realized, they are all aimed at getting children to write. 

It made me realize what a need there was for good writing prompts. Danny and I sat down together and wrote 20 writing prompts for our project. Our best advice when using these prompts is to allow yourself to create a story however you want; a prompt that might seem mysterious might be made less mysterious through clever writing. Because I love my fellow writers, here they are for you to use too! 

1. The absolute worst day
2. The absolute best day
3. I found tire tracks 
4. Save them all 
5. A summer feast
6. She found a bullet in the yard
7. A flag, a bottle, and a balloon 
8. He has a cold 
9. A new kind of myth 
10. A coffee cup, snakes, a sunny day
11. He suspects she’s lying 
12. Her last meal 
13. The new girl in town 
14. The one thing you need is… 
15. A voice in the distance screams “____” 
16. She found a flyer that say “____” 
17. The three lies she told her boss
18. An ice cream parlor on a hot day
19. A small town grocery store
20. A silver lily, a dog, a muddy book

Follow Up: Is It Possible to NaNoWriMo with a Newborn?

Months ago, in the time I refer to as "pre-Forrest," I wrote a little post about attempting NaNoWriMo the month after Forrest was born. At the time, I really felt like NaNoWriMo was both possible and totally impossible. So much of it depended on "how things were going" with the baby and, as I've written before, I had no reason to believe I wouldn't have the absolutely perfect little darling newborn. 

I got a comment recently on that old post about whether I succeeded at NaNoWriMo. In November of 2015, I had fully planned to write follow up posts--but if you go back in my archives, you'll see I posted only 3 times in an entire month. So that's how that went. 

I realize, however, that I never actually wrote a follow up. So here it is, nearly a year later. My NaNoWriMo with a newborn follow up. 

Did I Succeed? 

When it comes to success at NaNoWriMo, the deciding factor is, obviously, did I hit 50,000 words? The answer is no, I didn't. So I failed. 

However, I did write about 20,000 words in the first 2 weeks of November. That is obviously Not the Goal, but it's a sizable enough number, especially given the fact that I was caring for a very fresh little human, pumping every 2 hours, and taking care of a house. For the first 2 weeks of November, Forrest still slept relatively well in his swing for naps, so I could squeeze in 30-40 minutes of writing before I had to hold him and watch TV. (Not that I minded.) By the second week, however, he was rebelling against the swing, so I took to wearing him in my Boba wrap to write. This worked reasonably well until he started to hate the Boba wrap, so I was relegated to the couch again. 

In November, Forrest was still quite small and sleeping a lot--like, most of the day. If I got a few spare minutes, I was eating or making another pot of coffee or trying to clean up my house. I stopped worrying about NaNoWriMo and thus, gave up on it. 

I got about halfway there, which is farther than some people get. And, full disclosure, I also pumped about 800 ounces of breast milk in November, so who's a failure really? 

What I Learned

Life is nothing without lessons. Whenever I don't do as well at something as I expected, I try to at least take some kind of lesson from it. So, if you're expecting a baby and thinking of attempting NaNoWriMo with your newborn (or just-out-of-that newborn stage baby), here are my suggestions: 

• Be realistic. Not every baby will nap independently as a newborn. Some babies are great sleepers, but poor eaters, which means you have to keep a diligent eating schedule. If you are having your baby right before November, you have no idea what kind of baby your baby will be, so set realistic goals for yourself. 
• Know that you'll be exhausted. This goes without saying, but if you have a few spare moments to sleep, you'll take them--versus writing.
• Get a good wrap or baby carrier. I love my Ergo (I wish I'd gotten it instead of the Boba wrap). I still wear Forrest for naps in the Ergo now. It's easy to sit and work, or wash dishes, or do all kinds of things while you baby wear. 
•  It's ok if you don't "succeed." Realistically, you might not hit the goal, but if you try, you've still at least tried something. 
• At the end of the day, flexing your creative muscles, in whatever capacity you can, will keep you feeling human, even when your life is taken over by the tiniest, meanest boss you've ever had. 

Have you attempted NaNoWriMo with a newborn or young infant? Tell me about it on Twitter @michellelocke_! 

5 Things I've Learned About Parenthood (So Far)

Being a mom is more challenging than I thought it would be. You feed a baby, you change its diapers, you get it dressed—what’s so hard about that? From the outside looking in, it all seems easy. That’s the first lesson, really: it will never get easy. 

1. The things that seem easy actually aren’t

Between all the easy stuff (the changing diapers, the dressing), there is stuff that is deceptively difficult. I worried about feeding near constantly at the beginning (is he eating enough? how many wet diapers did he have yesterday?) and I did a Google search for every dip in my supply, every rash Forrest developed, every little thing. I researched sleep patterns, nap times, wake times, activities, and everything in between. I was obsessed with making sure he was getting enough, doing enough. Was his development on track? 

It seems so easy. The baby is hungry, you feed him. The baby is sleepy, you put him down and he falls asleep. But it’s not. It’s really not. 

2. When parents say they are busy, they are busy. 

Being busy, for parents, isn’t just something cute to post about on social media. It’s a reality. 

And amongst all of these secretly difficult parts of being a new parent—the feeding, the pumping, the changing, the tracking every detail, the reading, the holding him for every nap—I had to do basic things like clean the house, shower, cook dinner, pay bills, and eat. This is why I spent the first 4 months of Forrest’s life in leggings and sweatshirts. Don’t even talk to me about getting groceries when Forrest was younger than 6 months—it was an undertaking that required planning.

3. It gets “different” (not easier). 

It gets different though—not really easier, just different. That’s the thing about parenthood. I think I know just about how to survive and then Forrest does something different. 

By the time I had Forrest’s nap schedule, poop schedule, and feeding schedule down… he changed it up. He ate more per feeding, less frequently. Cool. He wanted to stay awake longer. Cool. He wanted to stay up late, or go to bed earlier. Or he went two days without pooping and then, bam! Like nothing had ever happened. 

I would love to be one of those parents who keeps their baby on a strict schedule: feedings, naps, meals, bedtimes. But it’s just not possible. I’m impressed by parents who manage to do this early on and can mentally keep track of it. Some days, Forrest’s schedule is set in stone and perfect; some days, he hasn’t had a nap all day and wants to go to bed at 4:30. It’s whatever. 

4. You spend money on stuff you never thought you would. 

A “treat” for me used to be going to Target and buying a new top or dress, or a new piece of home decor. Now, I splurge, almost every trip, on an outfit for Forrest, as many of the baby food packets as I can handle, and potentially a new toy. When we have extra money, we buy things for Forrest: a car seat, a music-playing projector, a big toy. I recently bought myself a new phone case for $8 and felt tremendous guilt about it. I haven’t bought new clothes for several months, but Forrest has enough clothes to last him until December without wearing anything twice. 

Our newest exciting purchase is a miniature toilet for Forrest to start sitting on. I used to spend $20 on a single eyeliner; now I’m researching and reading reviews on the best potty to potty train. 

5. You’ll do things you swore you would never do. 

Like sleep train, or formula feed, or join a mom’s group. Two things I swore I would never do: take a kid who wouldn’t remember it to Disneyland and throw a massive first birthday party. 

Well, Danny and I are planning both of those things for Forrest, so I’m really eating my words there. 

The truth is, you never know what kind of kid you’ll have (a non-sleeper or a good sleeper, a terrible eater or a great eater, an independent baby who can play happily on the floor for hours or a baby who wants to be entertained, by you, until nap time) and so you’ll never know what kind of parent you’ll be until you’re there. 

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It’s easy to think things will be one way and only that way: you have a “good baby” or a “difficult baby.” But if I’ve learned anything, things can change day-to-day. Some days, it’s so easy. And other days, I want to tear my (greasy, unwashed) hair out. Some days, Forrest is an angel; some days, I swear, he’s trying to make me miserable. 

But then I get to kiss Forrest’s chubby little cheeks, read a book to him, and put him in his cute little shark pajamas, and I realize I get to experience the greatest journey of all mankind. Being a mom isn’t easy, but it’s also pretty great. 

I Stopped Trying to Have a Perfect Home

In college, I watched the TV show Hoarders every week. I obsessively planned to watch each new episode. And after each episode, I would mop my floors, vacuum, fold my clothes and put them away, make my bed, reorganize my bedside table, clean out my drawers, etc. I cleaned, in short. I cleaned my house from top to bottom. 

As time went on, each episode got harder and harder to watch--and my post-Hoarders cleaning spree got longer and longer. I realized that Hoarders made me way too anxious. There is no reason to go through life making yourself miserable over and over again, so I vowed to never watch Hoarders again. 

Despite the fact that I stopped watching Hoarders, my obsessive cleaning didn't stop... and my sense of never having a clean enough house increased. After I moved into my new home in December 2013, I have ping-ponged between "it's not so bad" and "I should just burn this house down." 

But sometimes, it just didn't feel like enough. When my house is dirty, I feel very anxious and easily angered, very on-edge. It drives Danny crazy. At times, I felt like my house would never be as clean and cute as I want it to be.  

But then, someone will come over and I'll mention how messy or disorganized it is, and they'll give me this look of vague disbelief. "Michelle," they'll say, "your house is, like, nearly perfectly clean and organized and decorated. You're crazy." 

My due date group recently had fun making home tour videos: everyone walked through their house, filming with their phone, and posted it. When I posted mine, I, of course, included, "It's so messy." And you know what? Most people said it wasn't messy. 

I look around and I see stuff; I see the dog hair I've been meaning to vacuum up for a week; I see the trash that needs taken out, the book shelf that needs gone through, the Goodwill piles I need to just load up and move. But other people don't see those things. 

My house is never going to look magazine-ready. My living room has been taken over by primary colored baby toys and a monstrous baby gate; my kitchen has a high chair in it, the counters are covered in bottles and formula, and I have a massive bottle drying rack next to the sink. Martha Stewart is never going to come here and compliment that. 

Growing up means giving up things that were important to you. One of them, for me, is the perfect house. As people, we are messy and disorganized. We don't always keep the counters clean or our desks organized into perfect still lifes. And that's ok, really. It doesn't need to be. It's ok to be messy sometimes. 

Let's Move on from Jungle-Themed Baby Stuff

What's one terribly random problem I encountered when I was pregnant with Forrest? The fact that everything for babies is jungle-themed. 

I have nothing against a nice jungle theme, but sometimes, I just want to get a piece of baby equipment that isn't decked out with monkeys. Especially when it comes to boy stuff, it seemed like it was jungle or nothing at all. 

This is something Danny and I really struggled with. We wanted things that were gender neutral and theme neutral. I don't like monkeys, in general, and I wasn't 100% sold on having them covering everything in our living room. We did well on most things, opting for a neutral swing (no jungle animals hanging from it) and neutral toys (limited monkeys). 

Things got difficult, though. Our Fisher-Price Kick'n'Play mat was only available in a jungle theme. Our Fisher-Price Sit-Me-Up chair was cheapest in, you guessed it, a jungle theme. I was willing to give in on those two items. We spent hours searching for an activity center, a bouncer that didn't have a rainforest or jungle theme. We settled on a Finding Nemo bouncer that seemed like a safe middle ground. 

This leads me to a very important question: what is it about jungle theme? What about it is so appealing to toy producers? Why not forest themed or water themed? Why is everything jungle? Why not just plain shapes? 

When I think about something like our Fisher-Price Kick'n'Play mat... I have to wonder why it had to be a jungle. Why not just a plain colored mat with the plain colored keyboard? The toys that hang off of it don't have to be animals: they could be plain colorful shapes, shaky toys, and ropes. They don't have to be animals. 

I'm ready for more neutral baby products. That's all I want: basic, simple, pretty baby products. 

An Ode to Working Moms

If you'd told me, 10 years ago, that when I had a baby there would be something called "mommy wars" on the internet, I would have said two things: 1) you're a liar because I'm not going to have kids, duh and 2) that sounds seriously stupid. 

Well, surprise 17-year-old Michelle, both those things are real.  

One of the many, many mommy wars (ugh) is the working moms and the stay at home moms. Those who participate in the (totally ridiculous) battles believe that, ultimately, they have it the hardest. The truth is, both working moms and stay at home moms struggle, just in different ways. 

I walk the line between being a stay at home mom and a working mom. When I go to work, I am at work: I have my work hat on, I try to dress in something other than sweatpants (a struggle), and I try not to think or talk about Forrest unless I'm asked.

It's easy to think that working moms just, you know, go back to work. They just get right back on the horse and work and go home and that's it, easy peasy. But it's just not so. Before I was one, I had a hard time conceptualizing why it was hard to be a working mom.

When you're a mom, the work doesn't really stop.

I get up everyday around 5am. I shower. I put on my makeup. I get dressed. By 6am, Forrest is starting to stir in his crib. I get him dressed, feed him a bottle if he hasn't had one for a while. I get him ready for the day before handing him off to Danny (if it's summer) or driving him to my mom's (if it's not). In the time I'm taking care of him, I get my coffee ready, put my breakfast and lunch in my lunch bag, and gather everything I need for the day. I go to work and when I get home, I keep working. I take care of Forrest, cook dinner, and feed him. I change diapers, play, and give him a bath. Once he is in bed, I clean the kitchen and living room and then do any freelance work I need to do. By 7 or 8pm, I might be able to sit down and watch a little TV, but I try to be in bed by 9pm at the latest. 

Spending all day away from your baby is awful.

The first few days I went to work, I cried the entire drive there. Some mornings, I still do. When Forrest has slept good and is in a great mood... I can't help but want to stay home! It's difficult to know that someone else is having fun with your baby while you're working, cuddling them, making sure they eat and sleep. It's hard for me to let go of the responsibility of being the primary caregiver. Since Forrest was born, I did most of the feedings. I got him to sleep for naps. I played with him and took his picture. Stepping away from that, and relinquishing control of his care is difficult for me. But it makes getting home to him even better. 

It's hard to feel like you're doing a good job at either thing. 

I sometimes feel like I rush through my days. I rush through my morning routine to try to get to work earlier. I rush through work to try and get home to Forrest. I rush through the evening to get to cleaning and to have everything ready for the next morning. In the end, I wonder how effective I am at being both a mom and an employee. I think about Forrest when I'm at work and I think about work (and all the things I didn't get to) when I'm with Forrest. It's stressful to try and do everything. 

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Being a working mom is hard, it's true. But it can also be really fulfilling. I firmly believe that I need to work to remain happy in my life. I find fulfillment both in being a mom and in my career. I think it is absolutely possible to do both things--it just takes a little bit of sacrifice and finding what works. I'm getting better at balancing my work and my life. I'm getting better at reducing my stress outside (and inside) the office. 

But to all the other working moms out there: you aren't alone. We're all trundling along, doing the best we can. This is for you, you hardworking, professional ladies.