Getting Over Body Obsession

I wrote recently about my struggles to stay body positive while also actively trying to lose weight. This is not an easy task for me and one that I work really hard at; I don't want my friends who are happy with their bodies to think I'm judging them simply because I am trying to lose weight. Remaining body positive, and supportive of everyone in my life, is incredibly important to me. 

But beyond that, there are things I need to work on that aren't just losing weight and body positivity. I've always had an unhealthy obsession with my body size, and monitoring my body size. I recently mentioned to a group of mom friends that I can remember my exact weight at every important event of my life: my wedding day, the day I got home from Idaho after graduating, the day I got engaged, the day I had Forrest. These are numbers taking up valuable space in my brain. A small part of me had held out hope that this was normal behavior, but I knew it actually wasn't. It's not normal, or healthy, to remember your weight on exact days, especially days dedicated to your own wedding or your first child. 

I cried every morning I had a doctor's appointment because I knew they would weigh me--and write that down on a little piece of paper, cruelly, without letting me defend it. I always wanted to put an asterisk on it. One that said, perhaps, I was thin once! I really was! I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted because I was so active! I work a sedentary job! I'm working on it! I wanted to argue with the computer system that classified me as a "high-risk pregnancy due to overweight status." I wanted to tell my doctor, every appointment, that I'm not, like, ok with my weight; I know I need to change. 

This is also not normal behavior. The actions of the medical community notwithstanding (there are some definite changes that need to be made regarding the treatment of weight issues and non-issues), it's not normal to obsess about how much you weigh when you're pregnant. 

I remember writing up a workout plan for myself postpartum. I remember anxiously imagining a time where I could restrict calories again. This is not only not super healthy, but really depressing to think about. 

It's hard to know that I have so many issues relating to my body and health. As I've written before, I know I'm dealing with body dysmorphia, but that doesn't really change the fact that when I go to the doctor, I get treated like none of my issues matter because, obviously, I just need to lose weight and they'll all magically go away. (This is one of the most annoying things about my medical treatment: I can guarantee you weight loss isn't going to fix at least 75% of my issues, but ok.) I know I want to lose weight for my health and my personal happiness--but I also know that, in some ways, I won't ever really be happy because you can't be happy when you're obsessed with your body. Period. End stop.

I posted on Twitter recently about all the fitness Instagrams I follow. A lot of them are people who have lost significant amounts of weight through IIFYM (If it fits your macros), a method of measuring food that focuses on macronutrients versus calories. I love following these accounts because I feel like IIFYM gives you a more realistic ability to follow meal plans, because you worry about nutrients instead of just calories. You go for nutrient dense foods and you'll feel fuller and be healthier. However, a significant portion of people who follow IIFYM tend to start going down this very strange path where they start eating a lot  of artificial foods (like that nasty Halo Top ice cream stuff or Arctic Ice) and weighing their food. Seeing a woman list that she ate 100 grams of onions, and only that much, is a whole new level of obsession.

It's very easy to go from one end of the spectrum to the other: being overweight and obsessed with your body to the point of hatred, then losing weight and becoming obsessed with staying that way. Perhaps so intensely obsessed that you start to do things like traveling with a food scale everywhere and weighing individual sandwich ingredients in a restaurant. It was six years ago that Marie Claire published this piece about healthy living bloggers--and how their meal plans are dangerous and unrealistic--and yet, we're still doing it. 

We live in a culture that is obsessed with bodies and body sizes--so it's easy for us to get obsessed as well. It's a cycle that difficult to break, but I believe it is possible: I believe it is possible to lose weight and be body positive, to lose weight and not become obsessed with staying thin, to be healthy and not weigh food. I believe these things are possible--I just need to work on doing them. 

the New Graduate's Guide to Dressing Professionally

This is an extreme oldie-but-goodie. I posted this blog originally in September 2012, rewrote it in February 2014, and now I'm doing another rewrite in August 2016. It's the post that will live on forever! 

The transition from being a full-time student to being a full-time employee can be difficult. Even as a full-time student, you have downtime -- your weekends are always free, you have only 3-4 classes a day, and otherwise, your time is your own. There are no bills dogging you down and you know when December rolls around, you'll have a break. And then Summer comes along, and that's an even better break. But once you're working full-time, there are no extended breaks and sometimes, not even your weekends are free. 

A huge part of that difficult transition is learning to dress professionally. In college, it's easy to think you have a professional wardrobe, especially if you have a collection of dresses. But out in the "real world," some things just might not fly. I've put together a handy-dandy guide with examples culled from my outfit photos to show you what works, and what might not.

One of the hardest things for me was adjusting the length of my dresses and skirts. Suddenly, my micro-mini dresses and bodycon skirts were not appropriate. My typical rule is if it's more than 2 inches above my knees, I should probably only wear it with tights. Of course, some work places might be a little more strict than mine on lengths, so watch what your female coworkers wear and react accordingly. The structure of a skirt also effects the length: a more structured skirt will ride up more, whereas something with a more flowing skirt won't. My look on the left is a little risky -- but the floral dress, either with or without tights, is perfect.

As you guys know, for several months, I was obsessed with bodycon skirts. They were, legitimately, all I wore. However, once I got an office job, my bodycon addiction had to stop. I wear them occasionally -- usually my two black skirts over black tights -- but otherwise, my bodycon collection waits for weekends. Instead, I invested in a black pencil skirt -- which is basically a longer bodycon skirt! It's a good way to continue working a style I love without risking offending anyone with a scandalous length. I wear my black pencil skirt in the exact same ways I would wear a bodycon skirt. Nowadays, the longer bodycon look is very in-style; you can find them for really affordable prices (like, $5!) at Forever 21. 

For a long time, I lived in midi skirts. I'm looking to bring these looks back as I still find them so flattering and easy to wear! You can look put together and be comfortable all day. They won't ever be too short and they are perfect for dressing up or dressing down. So versatile and so trendy. I pair mine with a variety of tops, scarves, sweaters, cardigans, jackets, and shoe styles to create a ton of looks. (Just make sure to invest in a good slip to prevent clinging!) 

Denim. Is it office appropriate? It can be and let me tell you why. The secret is to use denim pieces in a way that elevates them from being just denim. For example, the look on the left is one of my absolute favorites: my polka dot midi paired on top of a yellow shirt dress, with brown boots, topped with a tailed denim jacket. Since I work in a more casual environment, the denim jacket works -- but it won't work with every office. For a more strict office, the look on the right also still works -- a chambray top paired with a pencil skirt, black heels, and a cute cardigan is both casual and professional, while still cute and young. 

Pattern mixing and adventurous color palettes can work in an office setting. Both of these looks are office appropriate. The look on the left utilizes a midi skirt and then a more playfully patterned shirt. For a more conservative office, you could always add a jacket or cardigan on top to tone down the prints, but otherwise, it's playful and young. The look on the right uses a playfully patterned tank top and a patriotic color palette. With red-white-and-blue, it's too easy to look like a big American flag - the secret is to pick pieces carefully when you're playing with color. For this look, I chose one of my favorite midi skirts, a playful top, and then brought it together with a very structured jacket and nude heels. 

Casual Fridays. The trickiest days! Where I work now, it's casual Friday every day; I tend to wear jeans and a nice top every single day (but that's because I'm a mom now and a bit lazy.) The secret to casual fridays is not to treat them like a weekend -- you still want to look good, even if you're dressed up more than your coworkers. (Your boss will probably appreciate that you take looking professional seriously!) A nice pair of jeans, a good top (maybe even a nicer graphic top), and a jacket or cardigan can keep you looking professional, while being super comfy. 

Dressing professionally is a hard lesson and it's often dependent entirely on the office environment. But picking a few basic pieces -- a midi skirt or two, a pencil skirt, a good pair of slacks, and a variety of tops -- can help you transition your wardrobe from college fun to fabulous employee. 

Do you have any tips for dressing professionally? 

The Handy-Dandy Guide to Owning a Home

Owning a home is no-joke. It's takes a routinely exhausting amount of work. From basic monthly tasks to serious upkeep, getting a handle on it all can be overwhelming. Danny and I are always forgetting to do something--and then days, weeks, or, um, months later, we'll remember and feel quite dumb. And often, that feeling of "quite dumb" is associated with some kind of repair because we forgot to, say, take the hoses off the outside hose bibs and it ruptured a pipe, causing the entryway to flood. (Yes, that happened.) 

We are not perfect home owners, that's for sure. We forget things; we mess up; and there are some things we just don't know until we mess up. Here are a few tips-and-tricks for those brand-new-homeowners who need a little leg up (and who can definitely learn from our mistakes). 

1. Weather-proofing is real. 

Remember that little anecdote about removing the hoses from the hose bibs? It honestly never occurred to me that you're not supposed to leave a hose attached. I mean, I can use a hose year-round, right? Yes, you can--but because of how most outdoor hose bibs and faucets work, the metal portion of a hose freezing can cause an interior pipe to rupture. Which won't be a huge deal until you try to use that hose and it floods underneath your house--and whatever room that hose bib shares a wall with. It can be a pretty expensive fix, so take my advice: weather-proof your house. Remove hoses from hose bibs and move them inside to keep the hoses from cracking; take down any patio furniture and outdoor decorations; and wrap any exposed pipes and faucets with pool noodles and duct tape to keep them from freezing. You'll thank me when you aren't paying a $500 plumbing bill. 

2. Keep a recurring calendar of bi-annual and annual events. 

Another task Danny and I routinely forget: changing the air filter in our heating and cooling system. It's supposed to be changed every 6 months and for the first 2 years, Danny and I kept it up like clockwork. Then I had a baby and I realized, with a shock, two weeks ago that we hadn't changed the air filter in at least 8 months, but probably longer. Recurring tasks like this I now keep on a calendar in my phone that sends me reminders of things I need to do, from changing the air filters to defrosting our freezers every year. 

3. Improvements happen a little at a time.

I occasionally get it in my head that I'm going to transform my home into a Pinterest-worthy exhibition home in one weekend. Guess what, guys? It's not going to happen. Danny and I have a goal of doing one thing every weekend: spraying the yard for weeds; sweeping the driveway and porch; putting up or taking down decorations; or painting. We don't overwhelm ourselves and do one thing at a time. I'm a big fan of this method because it helps me appreciate each task as I'm doing it. If I can fit more in, I do try; but otherwise, I take it slow. 

4. It's ok if it isn't perfect. 

My kitchen doesn't have a pantry, so I turned a hallway closet into a pantry. It's kind of weird because it's right next to the bathroom, but it could be worse. Our house is not perfect: all of our furniture is hand-me-downs, including all of our bookshelves and rugs, and excluding our kitchen table which I bought for about $100; we have dings on the walls and spots that have needed repainting for years; and I still haven't painted the banister in our house. It's ok for things to be left undone until you get a moment. No need to torture yourself. You'll get there. 

5. Mistakes happen.

Danny and I have done some truly stupid things regarding taking care of our home. We've let things go, we've forgotten to leave water running leading to frozen pipes, and we've forgotten to do pretty basic tasks. You make mistakes! You live, you learn. While they can be expensive mistakes, it's nothing worth beating yourself up over. No one has a perfect home and at first, no one is a perfect home owner. 

5 Things I've Learned as a Working Mom

Being a working mom is hard work. I've written before about being a working mom, but it's worth repeating. This isn't to say that stay-at-home moms have it easy; I honestly don't know how SAHMs do it sometimes. I'm in awe of them. Each mom's journey is totally unique and that's what makes motherhood so incredibly special. 

I find being a working mom incredibly fulfilling. While I don't believe in "having it all" (a concept that is both baffling and impossible-to-achieve), I think working and being home gives me the opportunity to have the best of both worlds. To have my cake and eat it too. 

Before June, I worked part-time. During the summer, I went back to full-time, leaving Danny at home with Forrest all day. (This was a little bit of a taste of what my maternity leave was like for him. The results were... amazing.) In September, I'll be returning to part-time hours, something that is both exciting and a little sad. I love my job: I love working in content marketing all day. I love being able to learn how to do new things. But I also want to be able to take Forrest to baby reading time at the library, to go on walks in the park, and more. I want those days with him, I really do. They're the best days, even if they are hard. 

Before my full-time working mom status comes to a close, I wanted to share a few things I've learned along the way. 

1. Every hour is valuable. 

I'm lucky to work a job with incredibly flexible hours. I leave every morning at 6:30am, which means I get to make Forrest his breakfast and maybe give him a few bites before I leave it to Danny and rush out the door. I'm home by 3pm, giving me time to play with Forrest for an hour, make dinner, feed him, and then play a little bit more before it's time to bed. He's asleep most days by 6-7pm, giving me time to clean up dinner, clean up the living room and kitchen, maybe do a few chores (laundry or picking up the house, nothing intense), and sit down to work on my blog or freelance work. Then it's time for bed and I'll do it all over the next day. Why am I telling you our schedule? I get an hour and a half of time with Forrest each work day. I have to make it count, so I do. 

2. It's incredibly stressful to relinquish control. 

Nothing stresses me out more than knowing something is wrong with Forrest (a bad rash, teething, a cold coming on) and not being the one taking care of him during the day. I want to be the one making sure to put on the diaper creams each diaper change; I want to be the one giving him saline and ibuprofen every 4 hours. I want to be in control so that I know it's done correctly. I'm Type A. What can I say? 

3. There's never enough time for me unless I let things fall to the side. 

One of those things, truthfully, is keeping my house immaculate. I love a clean house. I'd love to have time to clean my oven, to scrub my floors, to repaint spots that have been stained or chipped. Truth is, I do have time to do those things... but it would be at the loss of the few hours of me time I have every day. So I let it go. I'll have time for it someday. Forrest probably won't judge me for the unpatched spots on my walls. 

4. I'm really bad at prioritizing myself. 

Related to number 3: I'm very bad at putting myself first. Funny, since I had a good 26.5 years of doing it before hand. I've been meaning to buy myself new clothes and new make up (and new shoes) for ages. I've been meaning to clean out my closet and all my clothes in storage for ages. I have done neither of those things. Whenever I get a bit of spare money, I spend it on Forrest; he needs pajamas more than I need new jeans. He needs fall outfits more than I do. Those are complete lies, but it's what I tell myself. I feel guilty treating myself to the smallest of things--but I'll splurge big on a set of pajamas for him. 

5. No one understands how busy you are. 

Working moms: no one else knows the struggle quite as well as other working moms. Sometimes, my coworkers will set a meeting for 3pm and ask, "Oh can't you just stay an hour longer?" No. I can't stay an hour longer--that's the hour I get to sing and have music time, play, and read books. No, you can't have it. You get 8 hours of me a day. Use. Them. Wisely. No one quite gets the bedtime routines ("You can't meet for drinks at 6pm? Bring the baby! Why not?") or the hectic weekends or the mad dashes to the grocery store for formula. No one really gets it but other moms. That's ok, though. They'll get it someday. 

Hey, Freelancers: Know Your Worth

I originally posted this on my old blog, Ellipsis, over 3 years ago. I think it's time to share again, as it is still totally apt. If you're a new graduate, or new to the freelance world, it can be so hard to get those first few clients. But don't be tempted to sell yourself short! 

Ever since I started freelance writing, I have struggled with charging a reasonable rate. What is my writing worth? What is my experience worth? I recently started using Elance and oDesk, and I've been shocked by the amount of writing that clients request... and how little they want to pay for it! 

There are a multitude of freelance writing platforms out there. Unfortunately, they all have their pitfalls. The number one problem with all freelance writing boards, especially Elance and oDesk, is their pricing. Since clients are allowed to charge whatever they want, with no standards being required by the websites themselves, the prices end up being shockingly, well, low. If you're a business in need of writing, it seems great. But if you're a writer in need of income, it sucks. 

It's not uncommon on Elance or oDesk to see ads for 10-100 articles for barely over $20. 10 articles is a lot for $20. 100 articles is ridiculous. As well, I recently saw an add offering $1 for every 300 words, and they wanted 10 600-word articles. Let's see, that evens out to about $20. Not worth it. I've received messages after applying to jobs asking if I'll take $10-20 for a 500-word article. There is no nice way to say "no, actually, my writing is worth more than that." Because, honestly, how do they know? 

Writing is the single most important part of any business. It really is. How businesses communicate and represent themselves, how they manage their reputation and how they present their knowledge as community leaders is incredibly important, especially in the age of ZMOT. Some businesses seem to be pretty slow on the uptake though. They want the benefits of content, of social media marketing and of blogging, without having to pay for it. Maybe because it's a trend, they don't think it has any real value. It also seems to hinge on the fact that writing is "easy"--we do it every day, don't we?  

Except, it's not. 

It's hard work to write an article for a company. It's hard work to do all the research necessary, to ask the right questions, to understand their community, to understand their customers, to find the write words, to tailor the language to their audience. It takes time and patience and practice. It's worth more than a penny per word. And it's definitely worth more than $20 for 500-words!

For new writers -- students just out of college or people like me, who have a lot of writing experience but not a lot of experience being paid for it -- can easily get conned into charging too little. "Well, I am new," we say to ourselves, applying to receptionist jobs and trying to scoop up freelance jobs offering $1.50 an hour. That's not fair though. If you paid for a degree -- in Journalism, Creative Writing, English, or anything else -- you've proven yourself as a writer. You've earned your degree. Therefore, you have earned your right to charge what you think your writing is worth. You might not be able to charge the highest rates quite yet, but you deserve more than minimum wage for writing.  

So, what is your writing worth? 

I charge $35 an hour for freelance projects under a certain number of words. For longer pieces, I charge a base price of $250 and then $25 per hour on top of that $250. It sounds like a lot, right? It's really not, though. For high quality writing, for the right words, the right image, the right phrases, it's worth it. If a business understands and acknowledges that writing is worth more than pennies -- if they understand that their business's reputation and place in the market is dependent on writing -- it's worth it. I have a lot of experience writing. I've written for businesses, for magazines, for academics, for social media accounts. I've written articles, bylines, ebooks, Tweets, Facebook posts, and FAQs. I've written blog posts and wish lists and everything in between. I'm a writer. It's what I do. My writing is worth a certain amount and I'm not embarrassed to say that I charge accordingly. 

It's easy to think, "Well, I can take those low prices and just write a lot." It's really easy to think that. But if you're writing a 500-word article for $20, how many do you need to write to make a mortgage payment or to pay your rent? If you're rent is as low as $500 a month, you'd have to write 25 articles. But remember, you have to pay taxes on all your income through freelance. So reserve about 20% for future taxes. Then you'd need to write about 30 articles to make your rent payment alongside saving to pay those taxes. How long does a 500-word article take to write? Let's say it takes you between 3 hours per article. That's 90 hours just to make your rent. Are you planning on sleeping? What about eating? What about all your other bills? The average full-time worker works about 160 hours a month. That's a lot. So you'll be working half that much just to pay one bill. Add in car payments, insurance, power and water bills, student loan payments... Possible? Maybe. Enjoyable? No. 

The bottom line is this: to be a freelance writer, it's more powerful to have personal connections. It's nice to have oDesk and Elance as back ups. My number one tactic is to email local businesses and try to network and get my name out there as a freelance writer. By being friendly, by networking and following local businesses on Twitter, I find I'm more able to make genuine connections and find businesses that are willing to pay for quality writing. 

What does this mean for someone who is just trying to get into freelance writing? 

1. Don't depend on freelance writing boards! 
2. Make connections in your local community. Email PR firms, attend networking group meetings, and get some business cards printed. 
3. Set a rate and stick to it. It might not be the highest rate, but base it off your experience and what you need to survive. 

Taking a Toddler to Disneyland

It's pretty well-established that I love Disneyland. I went on my honeymoon to Disneyland. Danny and I went to Disneyland the Christmas before I got pregnant with Forrest. I've been to Disneyland at least 6 times now and I always leave crying because I'm not 100% sure when I'll return. 

I even wanted to go to Disneyland in August, when I was pregnant. As a reminder of what I was like in August, my arms and hands were so swollen from preeclampsia that my hands would go numb and I couldn't bend or feel my fingers all day. And yet, I wanted to tromp through Disneyland just one more time. 

Danny and I have decided that we do want to take Forrest to Disneyland next June. The most often heard reason for not taking a toddler to Disneyland is that they "won't remember it." That's absolutely true. Forrest also, however, won't remember our music time in the morning, the books I read to him, the times I sing and dance with him or play with him. He won't remember any of that. But does that mean it's a waste and he won't enjoy it? 

The logic fails there. And trust me, I used to repeat that too. "Why take a child who won't remember it?" But I get it now! He won't remember it, but I will--and that doesn't mean he won't have a blast. 

I'm so excited to be planning this trip--although it's also totally overwhelming. Which is why I'm opening things up to you! If you've taken a toddler to Disneyland, share your best tips and tricks! You can comment here or send them to me on Twitter. 

The Freelancer's Guide to Email Etiquette

This post originally appeared on my old blog, Ellipsis. It's still an important topic, especially for new freelancers and those just entering the industry. 

I started freelancing in August 2013. It's been a solid 3 years of freelance, through which I've learned a lot. I don't freelance enough to, say, quit my job and take a full-time run at it. But I do a respectable trade. Freelance writing is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It's the best way for me to use my talents and be fulfilled at the same time. The thrill of being able to help people start businesses, or advance their businesses, thanks to my writing skills and marketing knowledge is one of the best int he world. 

That being said, there are some things to freelancing that I've learned the hard way. Mostly, if you are doing freelance writing over the Internet for a company or person very far from you, rules of email etiquette. Here are my top 5 rules. 

1. Reply quickly. 

Business owners, social media coordinators, and marketers are busy people. They don't have time to sit around waiting for an email response. If they email you, asking you to write for them or pitching a project idea, reply as soon as you can -- even if you're reply is: I'm at the grocery store, I'll write a longer reply in 15 minutes! It matters... really. 

2. Email as often as you need to, but know when to stop.

Early in my freelance career, I was contacted by a woman launching a new website. She wanted me to write some materials for her and rewrite parts of her website. It was really exciting. I wrote an article for her, sent it along, and... no response. I sent her an email. She replied that she would get back to me. After a few weeks of hearing nothing from her, I sent her a certified letter (per our contract) requesting payment and the materials I'd written to be destroyed due to non-response. Here's the thing: a polite nudge ("hey, if you want this project completed on your timeline, you need to edit the materials I sent along") is one thing. Having to babysit someone who is paying you for a service is totally different. After she received the letter, she sent me a scathing email about how I was "barely 1/4 as busy" as her, how she didn't have time to do such tedious editing work, and she'd expected more from me. It all made me wonder why she'd hired a copywriter in the first place. I used to think I should have just sent her another reminder email, but it's not my job to motivate any owner to do their job. Also: I never got paid for the 40 hours of writing I did. 

3. Keep your emails short.

Sending a potential client a long-winded response to their project proposal isn't a great idea. They don't have time to read you wax poetic about it for 3 paragraphs. I try to keep my emails to one paragraph long--and only three sentences. I read an article about how the average email is too long and that most people stop reading after 3 sentences. So if you have something important to say, say it fast.   

4. Don't pester.

You know how I said to email as often as you need to? Yes, that's true. But don't pester people. You should reply ASAP to proposals... but if you don't hear from someone in three hours, that's not an excuse to send them another email. Remember: they might be busy, just like you, and just because they aren't as good at replying to emails doesn't mean they haven't heard you. Now, if it's been a day or two, email again asking for a quick reply to confirm they've gotten your previous message! 

5. Be polite. Always.

People will be rude sometimes (a lot of times). Don't return the behavior. If you get shorted on money or someone cancels a project halfway through, if a client doesn't like what you've written or acts like a crazy person... it's no excuse to be rude, even if they are! Be polite, be genuine, and accept the things you can't change about people. Taking the high road always makes you seem more professional and that is a positive impact on your reputation! 

---

cDo you have any email etiquette tips for freelancers? 

Is it Possible to Lose Weight & Still Be Body Positive?

I've written before about how I had a (very elaborate) fantasy about how easy losing weight would be postpartum. I truly imagined that I would shrink down to nothing, due to my breastfeeding and activity and going walking 2 weeks postpartum! None of those things happened, hilariously enough. I did manage to give birth to a 6-pound baby and an impressive 6-pound placenta, and then managed to pee out about 10 additional pounds of water. 

Yes, water. For two weeks after Forrest was born, I would wake up just soaked in sweat. The horrible part was that, of course, I was barely sleeping, but I knew if I fell asleep for even an hour, I would wake up completely and totally soaked. That's what postpartum life is like: everything hurts and you start sweating out all the extra liquid you saved up over 9 months for your joints and body. And in my case, I had been VERY swollen. 

After that, things stopped. I didn't lose any more weight, mainly because I couldn't think about it. Alongside taking care of Forrest, pumping, and eating whatever I could to keep my milk supply up (cheesecake? Tried it), I didn't really care. Then, around 12 weeks postpartum, I cared. I suddenly, crushingly cared. 

I also still care. I told Danny the other day that I know I have pretty severe body dysmorphia issues and I'm never 100% confident that what I see in the mirror or in photos is what I actually look like. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh I'm not that big! It's not so bad! But then I'll see, say, a family photo and I'll think, I've transformed into a small whale. I am baby Beluga. Under the sea, where I should be. 

I have absolutely no idea which one is accurate. Am I huge? Am I chubby but otherwise normal looking? Am I slowly engulfing the planet? No idea. 

My body image issues aren't helped by the fact that I align myself, wholeheartedly, with body positivity. It's so easy for me to look at my mom friends and say, "You're gorgeous. Never change. You are the most beautiful woman on the planet." And of course, it's easy for them to say it in return. It's harder to say it to ourselves, to look in the mirror and say, "You look great, even if you're not [insert desired size here.]" 

I feel very torn with the idea of trying to be body positive, but also being aware that I desperately want to be a different size. It's all well and good to preach body positivity until I'm tearing myself down, privately and painfully, for being a size that, generally speaking, some people would kill to be. 

I've been losing weight recently (I have no idea how much and for the sake of my mental health, I don't actually weigh myself--but the people around me assure me that I do, indeed, look smaller) and wondering if losing weight negates all the body positivity work I've done in the past few years. 

It's difficult to think what changing my body says to other people. But, living as an overweight person the last two years, especially while pregnant, did a number on my self-esteem... not that my self-esteem was that great to begin with. The way people treat me, ignore me, act like I am taking up space that I'm not allowed is incredibly difficult to live with--and, of course, I want to change it.

I don't want to change my body just to please other people; but I do want to lose weight to be taken more seriously in my job. Plus, I just want to feel better about myself: I hate getting dressed, I hate taking pictures. I don't take pictures with Forrest simply because I know what I look like. That's hard to wrestle with. 

With all that being said, I hate that I've allowed myself to feel that I should change just because of how other people treat me (and how I perceive they see me.) I don't think anyone should lose weight or change their appearance to make other people happy. If it makes them happy, sure, go for it--but not other people. 

And even though I tell Danny that I just want to be able to wear the clothes I want, to be able to shop anywhere and feel confident and not like the sales associates can't wait to get me out of there, I also want to lose weight so people are nicer to me. I don't want to be called a fat ass while crossing the street anymore (a real thing that happened, yes.)

I also don't want to have a teenager point at me, during the middle of my next pregnancy, and say, "You think that's pregnant? That's just fat." (Yes, another real thing that happened.) I'm tired of being made to feel inconsequential because of others. I just want to be taken seriously.

I just want to be seen as the hard worker I am--and, by and large, most people see overweight people as stupid and lazy, a fact that could not be further from the truth for a vast majority of the population. 

I try my hardest, every day, to be body positive. I have lost friends over calling them out for negative comments, calling others "fat" (as a clear insult), or trying to make others feel bad about their bodies. I try to treat myself with love and kindness. It's hard to lose weight, but I don't want to lose my ability to treat all bodies positively in the process. 

That just means I have to work at it a little bit harder than everyone else.