How to Practice Self Care for Freelancers

Working freelance, and working primarily from home, can have a really positive impact on some aspects of your mental health, while also being not-so-great for other aspects.

For me personally, working from home and working for myself gives me the freedom to try new things, to keep flexible work hours so I can also be a parent, and stay on top of tasks, like laundry and keeping my home clean, that improve my mental health. However, working from home can also be isolating, making it difficult for me to keep a routine and making me very, very lonely.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how freelancers can be practice self-care in their day-to-day lives. As I’ve written before, there is a difference between self-care and self-soothing; self-soothing, like taking baths, working out, doing yoga, etc., is just one aspect of self-care, which is a larger routine that makes it possible for you to maintain your mental health.

Recently, I was at a networking meeting with a few other freelancing friends and I asked them what they thought made it easier to practice self-care in their lives. We talked a lot about ways we all worked to keep routines, make sure we were prioritizing our mental health alongside client demands, and more. I gathered up a few of the most common pieces of advice here.

1. Separate Your Life from Your Work

I mean this one literally: separate your life from your work. I love my office at home, but I’ve started to realize that I use it for too much that isn’t my work. Which sometimes makes getting work done harder. I start paying bills when I meant to work on a proposal; I look at the pile of presents I need to wrap and feel a pang of guilt; I decide to tackle my filing (which has been on hold since AUGUST) instead of a task that has higher priority. Something needs to be done and that, obviously, is separation. I need to separate the spaces from my life.

If you don’t have space for a separate office, there are ways you can still make this work; designate a specific corner of your bedroom as your “office” and only work there. Keep your bills and everything else unrelated to work away from it.

2. Keep Boundaries with Clients Firm

It was 6pm and I was cleaning up from dinner, elbow deep in water washing dishes, when my phone rang. It was a client. I dried my hands and pressed to send it to voicemail.

3 minutes later, it rang again.

And then again.

And then again.

When I finally answered it, my client immediately said, “I’ve called you 5 times!” I asked if we had a call scheduled that I forgot and they said no. I reminded them it was 6pm on a Friday and I don’t typically work past 3pm. They scoffed and said they had a question. I decided to take it, reminding them that I did bill for these kind of calls, and they proceeded to ask me a question that wasn’t even urgent! There was nothing wrong with their social media, no pressing need. It was a run-of-the-mill question that could have been sent in email or, if they really wanted to hear my voice, scheduled in a call. I told them this and then wished them a happy weekend, asking them to send me an email Monday morning with the question.

When they didn’t send me that email, I fired them as a client.

For me, I have to have boundaries: I don’t do unscheduled work calls outside of my work hours (we’ll talk work hours in a moment!); I don’t take non-urgent calls outside of business hours; and if my clients don’t keep up their end of the contract or work agreement, then I don’t keep them as clients. I don’t let myself feel bad about these boundaries as I need them to be an effective worker and to stay healthy—and all my freelancing friends agree.

You’ll always have a client that will push the boundaries. When I answered that call on that Friday evening, I expected an urgent question—when I realized it wasn’t urgent, I told them to ask me via email so I could answer on my time and not have to bill them for it. (This was mostly for my benefit, but to them, it seemed like I was being nice!) However, I realized that if someone calls me 5 times in a row on a Friday evening with a question they could easily Google themselves, they are someone who is going to always push my boundaries; if I’d answered their question on the phone that day, they would have continued to push and push. I didn’t want that. So better to stop it before it starts.

3. Make Your Space Functional

I get chronic knee pain from sitting too long when I work, so I have a desk that I can easily turn into a standing desk. This is one aspect of a functional work space.

Sometimes, we tend too much towards wanting our work spaces to look nice (I’m totally guilty of this), without focusing on how it will function. Right now, I have a bunch of boxes stacked beside my desk for my printer because I have yet to find a filing cabinet that I like (I’m working on it, really). While this isn’t really aesthetically pleasing, it works for me right now.

There are many ways to make your space functional; pick a chair for comfort, not for cuteness, because you’ll be spending time in it. Get the blue blocker glasses that will save your eyes and invest in a good, ergonomic set up for your desk top to save yourself from carpal tunnel syndrome.

4. Set Work Hours

This really goes hand-in-hand with the second point, but: have set work hours and make your clients aware of them. I use Contently to schedule 30-minute meetings with my clients and make it clear that I start work at 7am and finish work by 3pm. If they need me outside those hours, they can schedule a meeting if they have no other options. And more than establishing these boundaries with your clients, you need to establish them with yourself.

That means, no leaving dinner early to work on a project. No taking just a few minutes to answer work emails.

I created a new email address that I use entirely for work and I do not have it on my phone; I only open it up, in my browser, during my work hours. I might think of an idea for something for a project or a blog post… but I write it down on a sticky note, stick it in my work notebook, and leave it for the next day.

This has been a huge change for me as I’m used to working basically whenever I get a few free moments or hours. However, I’ve realized that for my mental health, I have to leave work during work hours and give myself a few hours of being just a mom or a few hours where I can just watch TV, or embroider, or read.

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When it comes to self care and freelancing, it’s also important to remember to set aside time for a morning routine: taking your medication, showering, cleaning up your work space, and more. These little things set into your daily schedule can help keep you on track mentally and professionally.

Meeting Goals & Making Decisions: My November 2019 Wrap Up

Happy December!

You’ll be happy to know that this month’s wrap up will be significantly less maudlin than last months. A good thing too. November was a significantly better month than October in a lot of ways. I feel like I’m overcoming a lot of mental blocks when it comes to setting and achieving goals, and moving forward in my career.

Let’s jump into this wrap up!

1. I Switched Up My Instagram Content

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Nov 5, 2019 at 5:20pm PST

You may have noticed a lot of changes over at my Instagram; I’ve been posting more about goal setting, the mental aspect of being laid off/starting my own business (?)/being a woman in the workplace, as well as taking time for myself and self-care and self improvement. These are all things I care about and think about a lot, but haven’t ever really talked about in my social media presence before.

If those are things you’re interested in too, give me a follow over on Instagram!

2. I Started Working On Daily Goals

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Nov 9, 2019 at 4:20pm PST

One thing I’ve been realizing more and more lately is that I need a routine in place.

When Forrest was younger, I found it much easier to be very regimented and organized about my day. I did the same things every day and it helped ease my anxiety and improve my life. But in the last 18 months, my routines have really fallen apart; I was able to keep things organized for Forrest, but I felt like I never was 100% dedicated to a routine for myself. Danny and I stopped going to the gym as Forrest’s bedtime routine got more and more challenging.

In the past month, I started working on my daily goals: day-to-day, I set little goalposts for myself to reach. A few examples are making my bed every day (which helps me to feel accomplished), getting dressed every day, and making sure to go on a daily walk. Those are just a few things that help me organize my day and start building a routine. I’ve also started blocking out my time for my to do list and making sure I actually get things done—even if I have to force myself.

A big thing I’ve realized is that the burn out I’ve been feeling for a year or more has matched up with feeling like I don’t have a good daily routine in place. I’m hoping that the more I work on it, the more I’ll feel myself falling into a natural routine. And I’m hoping that adding in a good work out routine eventually will come a lot easier.

3. I Started Addressing my Lack of Confidence

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Nov 16, 2019 at 6:20pm PST

Anyone who has read my blog for a long time knows one thing to be true: i’m pretty upfront about my lack of confidence.

I’ve always been a shy, soft spoken person. I don’t make waves. In therapy, we’ve been working on my need for external validation for nearly everything I do; I’m often overly concerned with the opinions of other people, worrying that what they think of me is more important than how I feel about what I’m doing. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I noticed this side of me getting worse after I graduated from college; when I didn’t have the validation of school and grades, I found myself really struggling with happiness and feeling confident.

Building emotional confidence and self confidence, particularly in my abilities and my work ethic, is a huge barrier for me in terms of achieving what I want to in my career. On one hand, I firmly believe that I’m good at what I do; on the other hand, I often hold myself back, not completing tasks and not following through, because I worry that it won’t be good enough, that other people won’t like it, or whatever.

I feel like I’ve really challenged that internalized belief this month and I’m excited to see how I continue to work on this.

Those were my 3 big November takeaways. We had a lovely Thanksgiving, obviously; we were supposed to go to Idaho, but ended up not being able to make it due to the Pass being totally snowed in! That was a huge disappointment, but we all coped as we could.

How was your November?

3 Tips for Thanksgiving Day Travel with Kids

Thanksgiving is a stressful time of year, as we have established. If you didn’t catch my post about self-care and self-kindness during the holiday season, go ahead and give yourself a break from manic Thanksgiving preparations to read this.

If you’re traveling for Thanksgiving, things can get even more stressful. And if you’re traveling with kids? Forget it! It feels like you have 4 million things to do. Plus, you have to pack up what feels like half the house to take along. What if they get sick? (They will get sick. Or you’ll get sick. Fun!)

We’ve traveled for Thanksgiving before and for anyone planning their first Thanksgiving traveling, I wanted to share a few tips and tricks. Before that, however, here are a few others posts I have about travel prep and packing with kids:

• Make packing a little less stressful with these tips.

• Want to pack some masks for self-care? Here are my suggestions.

• Learn to maintain your skincare routine while traveling.

• All about Autumn road trips.

• My post about taking a toddler to Disneyland (and relevant for all travel experiences!).

• Have to work over Thanksgiving? Here are some tips.

Hopefully, you find a few gems among those previous blog posts. Now, let’s talk traveling this Thanksgiving!

1. Monitor the Weather Leading up to Thanksgiving.

If you’re traveling a long distance and might experience inclement weather, be prepared. Get your oil changed beforehand, check your tires, and have an emergency kit just in case. If you’re flying, keep a close eye on weather at any of your stops and your destination.

When I was young, it felt like there was always some huge storm at one major airport that made Thanksgiving travel way more difficult. Being prepared and aware beforehand is much easier these days, so stay mindful. If you’re driving, remember that if conditions look bad enough, it’s ok to postpone driving—or cancel.

2. Break Your Trip Up.

If possible, the number one piece of advice I always give to parents traveling with kids for the first time is to break the trip up! An example is that when Danny and I drive to Idaho now, we usually stop in Bend. It’s perfectly doable to drive to Idaho in one day; it’s 9 hours, give or take depending on how many stops we make. However, with a child, we’ve found that having a stop makes it a much more pleasant trip for us.

For Thanksgiving last year, we did this for the first time and it made a huge difference in how we felt when we got to Idaho! Plus, we got more time to be with family.

3. Find Ways to Make Your Trip Fun.

Here are a few things we do, besides splitting our trips into two parts, to make road tripping over the holidays fun:

• Get a DVD player (or holder for an iPad!) for your little ones. I know many aren’t fans of this, but let me tell you… that really saves us every time we go for a long drive.

• Stop along the way and do something fun. Whether you get lunch at a new, fun place, stop to take a few photos somewhere exciting, or just get out to walk around a Wal-Mart, breaking up the trip this way helps a lot. Plus, you can schedule convenient bathroom breaks this way.

• Pack a special snack. We also pack one of Forrest’s favorite treats (honestly, it’s usually the yogurt he eats every single day, but it’s still his favorite thing) to have midway through the second day. It gives him something exciting.

• Download a podcast you’ve been wanting to listen to. Danny and I always try to find a long form podcast to listen to for our drive; when we went to California in 2017, we listened to You Must Remember This about the Charles Manson murders and, honestly, it’s one of the most memorable parts of the trip for me. It helps pass the time so much faster!

Those might not be things you would do, but try to think of a few ways to pass the time and make the trip enjoyable for you and your children. Traveling over Thanksgiving can be really exciting, but daunting, especially if you’re a new parent. You’ve got a million things to think about, as well as family relationships to contend with. Find ways to treat yourself well, laugh with your family, and have fun.

Have tips for Thanksgiving travel? Send them my way!

5 Steps for Thanksgiving Prep (+ Free Checklists!)

Preparing for Thanksgiving, whether you are hosting yourself, getting ready to travel to family, or just doing a Friendsgiving, always feels like a huge task. Thanksgiving is a big deal for a lot of people. As much as I love Christmas, I hold a special place in my heart for Thanksgiving—and everything that comes with it. I love Thanksgiving food; I love picking Thanksgiving outfits; and I love getting to spend time with family members I don’t get to see as often as I like.

That being said, Thanksgiving can be super stressful. If you’re traveling, you have a million and 1 things to remember; add in kids and it becomes easily 5 million and 10 things to remember. If you run your own business, if you are working full time, if you’re pregnant… stress on top of stress on top of possible toxic family relationships that can leave us exhausted and needing TLC… instead of refreshed.

This year, I want you to promise me that you will make sure to treat yourself with kindness and love at Thanksgiving. It can be a time of stress for lots of people, along with a disruption in routine. If you’re feeling low, make sure to treat yourself to some self-care and self-soothing activities so you can be rested and recharged.

1. Stock up on supplies in advance

Know you’re going to need like 5 bags of potatoes for your world famous mashed potatoes? Buy them now! Or buy 1 bag per week until you’ve got enough.

Know you’re going to need special activities for your toddler for a flight? Buy them now!

Get what you know you’ll need in advance, before it can 1) sell out or 2) stress you out. The closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more hectic the grocery store will be. I always do my best to avoid grocery stores the week of Thanksgiving; if I urgently need something, I try to replace it with something I do have and I try to have everything I’ll need plenty in advance.

Make a big list of everything you might need and go get it this weekend or during next week.

2. Make a list (and check it twice)

To repeat: make a list. I’ve included at the bottom of this post a PDF of my Thanksgiving checklists I made for myself! I also included some self-care and self-soothing checklists, as well as customizable options if you want to write in your own ideas. Make your lists, keep them close, and find comfort in knowing that, no matter how stressful this season is, you have options to make yourself feel better and reduce that stress.

Here’s a sneak peak of one of these lists:

3. Have self-care in place

For many people, Thanksgiving can bring up reminders of past behaviors that aren’t healthy or happy. Many of us have good Thanksgiving memories, but for me personally, Thanksgiving can be triggering for some of my more negative body-focused behaviors, such as restricting or working out excessively. If this is something you struggle with, make sure you have self-care routines in place to stay healthy. And remember: you can always remove yourself from a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Here are a few suggestions for Thanksgiving self-care:

• Make sure to have your medication if you are traveling & take it according to your prescription.

• Ask a few friends to be on standby if you need someone to talk to. You can also ask your therapist if they have a phone number you can call if you need extra help or if you can email or text them.

• You don’t have to venture into your hometown and respond to every person you remember from your past. It’s ok to walk away.

• Practice breathing exercises in advance to calm your heart rate and help yourself stay calm in situations that might trigger you.

4. Add self-soothing to your routine

Self-soothing is a part of self-care. Sometimes, the media mistakes self-soothing routines as self-care, but the truth is, self-care often is unpleasant and doesn’t feel good. Self-care is going to therapy (which can be emotionally exhausting), whereas self-soothing is a behavior you do afterwards to feel better, like journaling, listening to music, or taking a bath.

As Thanksgiving approaches, if you struggle with the season, make sure to not just have your self-care routine in place (for both home and travel), but self-soothing techniques. Here are a few suggestions:

• If you’re traveling, take along a book you love to read and make sure you have music or podcasts that make you feel good to listen to.

• Have plenty of self-soothing supplies on hand like bubble bath, bath bombs, and scented lotion.

• Give yourself time to self-sooth as part of each day of the holiday. Taking 10-15 minutes every evening to do something to sooth yourself will make a huge difference.

• Download a sound machine app on your phone for soothing sounds to help you sleep or play while you journal, meditate, or practice breathing exercises.

5. Remember that perfection isn’t necessary

No holiday, no day, will ever be perfect. I think we all know that. If you forget a critical part of the meal, no one is going to really care that much. Just say, “oops, I forgot!” It’s not the end of the world. It’s easier to say that than to live it, I totally get it. That’s why I recommend practicing some deep breathing exercises beforehand.

Here’s a breathing exercise I like:

• Breathe in and imagine you are filling a pitcher at your sink. Let it fill all the way to the top.

• Breathe out and imagine you are pouring the pitcher of water down the drain. Pour it all the way out.

That one is my favorite because I like to imagine the sound of the water. You can also find lots of great apps on your smartphone that help with breathing and meditation.

Do you feel ready for Thanksgiving? I’m getting excited, but also nervous. If you’re feeling like me, I hope you grab these free checklists—I know I’m already using mine to get ready!

How I Use Daily Harvest to Offset the Hectic Holidays*

I have a very sensitive stomach.

This has been a relatively new realization for me, even though I’ve had stomach problems my entire life. I was always prone to stomach aches as a child, always complaining that my stomach hurt. (Forrest has recently started doing this and, man, I’m sorry, kid!) I was a very picky eater and I tended to gravitate towards foods that were very easy on my stomach: toast, Cheerios, crackers. Basic, simple carb-based foods that weren’t super flavorful.

Fast forward to the last few years and my stomach issues have changed. For years, every time I visited Danny’s parents in Idaho, I would end up with a stomach ache, having to lie down for hours. At least I knew the cause for this one: I was eating way too much food in a short span of time. And none of that food was good for my body. (We’re talking multiple fast food trips here, people.) However, I still didn’t think I had a sensitive stomach.

It’s been only in the last few months that I realized the foods I eat, and tend to gravitate towards, don’t make me feel very good. Today, we know there are no good foods and bad foods, that diet culture is bad, and that fundamentally it’s ok to eat however you want most of the time—with an eye towards gentle nutrition (like making sure you aren’t malnourished and are getting essential vitamins and minerals). But it goes without saying: if you eat food that doesn’t make you feel good 24/7, you aren’t going to feel good.

When I first started getting Daily Harvest smoothies (and working with Daily Harvest), I did so with the intention that I just wanted some quick options for breakfasts for myself. I love smoothies, but putting them together myself is a pain. I know that seems really whiny—how hard is a smoothie?—but whatever, this was my struggle. I loved Daily Harvest instantly, not just because the smoothies are fast (that’s a fact), but because drinking them made my stomach feel about 400 times better than it did in weeks. Plus, I started to feel like I had more energy.

Here’s why I personally love Daily Harvest:

• Convenience: I know for some people the cost of Daily Harvest seems high. $7 per cup! But when you think about what comes in each cup, to assemble them yourself or even make one smoothie of the same ingredients, would cost a ton of money! Plus, they are delivered right to your doorstep, in recyclable materials.

• Fast & easy: when I make a smoothie, I don’t want to spend a ton of time cutting things up. It’s 3 easy steps to having a smoothie: add liquid; dump into a blender; and blend. I have a quick dinner for myself in just a few minutes, which is all I need.

• Unique recipes: These smoothies let me try things I would never try before (watermelon & beet root smoothie? Love it!) without feeling bad if I don’t like them (and then have 100 lychees or whatever leftover). Plus, you get a variety of fruits & veggies in every cup, so it can boost your energy and make you feel good about eating something super delicious.

I’ve made a lot of changes to my lifestyle in the past few months. Working from home exclusively now, I have to stay on track day-to-day without anyone else to keep track of my time. I’ve started wearing blue blocking glasses to help my migraines and my sleep patterns (they help!), as well as using night shift on my phone most of the time. I’ve started using ergonomic work solutions, a standing desk. You name it, I’ve tried it to be healthier. So why not change up what and how I eat to feel better about myself too?

Health isn’t a barometer of good and bad, of course. However, I knew that my low energy, migraines, and more had to do with what I was eating (and in that similar vein, also related to my anxiety and depression). So, I decided to change things—and Daily Harvest has helped me do that.

During the holidays, it can be easy to start eating a lot of foods that don’t make us feel good. I love Christmas cookies, pumpkin pie, and mashed potatoes as much as the next person—but those are heavy foods that can leave my stomach feeling gross and my body sluggish. Added a Daily Harvest smoothie in the morning or as a snack before a holiday dinner makes me feel at least a little bit better at the end of the day.

If you want to make sure you have plenty of delicious, healthy options available alongside your favorite Christmas treats, be sure to use my code PAUSES for 3 FREE cups in your first order from Daily Harvest. Click here to order! (I highly recommend the Pineapple + Matcha smoothie! It’s my absolute favorite.)

3 Tips for Staying Motivated During NaNoWriMo

I’ll say one thing about NaNoWriMo that might be a little controversial: I don’t actually think it’s that much of a challenge.

Put down your pitchforks. In terms of a challenge for writing, it’s not that much of a challenge literally, on paper. If you, like me, are paid to write, then writing 1,666 words a day isn’t a stretch. On average, one of my blog posts in 1,000 words or so; if I write one and a half blog posts a day, I meet that goal easy. If I write a marketing strategy for a client, they average about 5,000 words; I have tripled that. If I write email marketing for a client, at 300-500 words per email, I meet that goal in 4 emails or so. If you think about NaNoWriMo in pure word counts, it’s really not that hard.

The challenge, of course, always mental. People sabotage themselves by editing through NaNoWriMo, deciding they don’t like a plot line or a character or how they’ve written something. It goes without saying: NaNoWriMo is not the time to perfect your story. Save that for December, or better yet, January! NaNoWriMo is about word vomiting 50,000 words into existence.

I had a minor tiff with someone in a writing group this past week who was upset at people talking about NaNo being an opportunity to just get 50,000 words out. “I write with intention,” they said, “with the idea that I won’t need to edit it at the end.”

Whew! Girl, have a seat! No one cares!

If you write with the intention that you’ll never need a 2nd draft, first of all, good luck with that. (It’s literally not possible. Every story you’ve ever read has been meticulously edited not just once or twice, but 10+ times. I guarantee it.) But if you go into NaNoWriMo with that mindset, you’re going to have an even worse time. Why? Because you’ll get behind fast; you’ll second guess yourself; you won’t be able to meet the goal.

So how can you stay motivated during NaNoWriMo to just write, write, write without second guessing what you’ve written? Let’s talk strategies, my writing darlings!

1. Write Without Looking.

Don’t go back and read what you’ve written. Period. End of story. If it helps, once you’re done with a scene… turn the font color to white so you actually can’t look at it. I followed this tip for my first 2 NaNoWriMos because the urge to go back and change things was so strong.

Basically, the less you go back and read what you’ve written the better. If you need to remember a specific detail (did I say the walls were grey or green?) then search for it using the search function in your word processor… don’t start reading past scenes. You’ll only get stuck in the quagmire of self doubt. Remember: it’s a first draft, not a last draft. No one is asking you to write a perfect novel… just 50,000 words.

2. Use Placeholders to Advance the Plot if you Need To

Sometimes, when I’m writing, I’ll get stuck. I need to write a transition scene, but I can’t think of one yet—but I do know exactly how I want the next scene to go. So, here goes a placeholder: [TRANSITION SCENE] or [KEYWORD SCENE].

Placeholders are the perfect solution from getting stuck on something for minutes, hours, or even days. If you stick in a placeholder, you can quickly hit your goal and give yourself time to think of that scene, then go back and add it in. This method isn’t perfect; you can use placeholders too much (cut to me with a word doc of ALL placeholders, scream crying into the abyss). I limit myself to one per chapter, with the intention to go back and fill it in within at least two or three days.

3. Follow Your Outline

Oh, you don’t have an outline? I won’t judge you for being a pantser; my first NaNoWriMo was a pants situation. About halfway through, I forgot my main character’s last name and I had list the single sheet of notes where I’d written this information. So I wrote a new last name. Is this novel good? No. Does it have a plot? Also no. Do I recommend this method to anyone who wants to actually finish NaNoWriMo? Definitely no.

I’m a firm believer in planning. I even have a free NaNoWriMo guide to write the easiest possible outline in the world. If you have an outline, you’ll never get stuck; you’ll never find yourself 10,000 words in wondering where to go next. If you have an outline and character details in place in advance, you’re going to be fine; your only challenges will be mentally getting over a few hurdles.

Are you doing NaNoWriMo? Tell me how you’re doing!

5 Things I've Learned About Being Resilient

Originally, I had this post in my editorial calendar as “things I’ve learned since I was laid off". But as I started to write, I found myself thinking over and over and that again, this puts the focus of my life at this moment on being laid off.

Was it terrible? Yes. Sometimes, it’s hard not to just be filled with a blazing, all-encompassing anger that controls my life day-to-day.

My therapist keeps reminding me, though, that I’ve gone through terrible things before and I’ve always made it out ok. I survived being fired, struggling to find a job, graduating from college amidst my grandfather’s illness, and much more… and I survived all of it, even on the days when I thought I wouldn’t be able to. The only difference now is that I have Forrest.

Before, when things were bad, I had some responsibility, but not much. Now, I have an entire little person to stay functional for and that makes the pressure that much greater. Also, after becoming a mother, I felt overwhelmed by motherhood; I found it at times isolating. It took me a long time to learn that you can love being a mother (I do!) and also recognize that it is a thankless, difficult, and often unpleasant job. It’s not all bad, but sometimes, it’s pretty bad. It can leave you drained.

So when I went back to work, it helped me have a second part to my identity again. I have never wanted to be all mom, all the time. I think if I did, it would leave me exhausted and depressed. It might work for some people, but it doesn’t work for me; I needed more and my job, in so many ways, was the more that I needed.

I’m removing the emphasis from being laid off. I get to tell my story exactly how I want to and part of that means rewiring in my head what that looks like and sounds like to myself. I got laid off—that’s bad. But I think what that actually feels like to me is losing a part of my identity that was helping me to offload the stress of being a mother.

As I started writing, I realized I was talking more about resiliency and inner confidence—not necessarily that I was laid off. Part of the last few months has been rebuilding my identity, figuring out who I am as a professional without an “official” job title (or job, period!), and wrestling with everything that comes with it. This isn’t really fun work (trust me), but it’s been important. And while I would never pretend everything is fixed and perfect right now, I do feel better in many ways than I have in a long time.

All this is to say: when I was laid off in July, I realized I needed to work on being more resilient in my current life. I’ve been resilient in the past in a hundred different ways, but I have really struggled with it the last few months. I wanted to write about resiliency, about what I’ve learned not just this year, but in the years past, and how we can all work on being more resilient.

1. Resiliency is only a little about choice.

“Would you judge me if I canceled X today?” I text my husband at least once a day. It’s usually something small, like an oil change or a work out class. He always sends back: “you can use your energy however you feel fit today.” This is his nice way of saying: if you don’t have the energy to do whatever it is you’re asking about, don’t do it.

We all use our energy for different things, prioritized in different ways. One thing I do every single day, even if I don’t feel capable of doing anything else, is make my bed. It makes me feel good; it makes my bedroom feel cleaner; it’s how I will use a tiny smidgen of energy because it’s important to me. Things I won’t use my energy on if I’m feeling low are: working out; emptying the dishwasher; or vacuuming.

When I went to a therapy appointment recently, I was dressed nice because I had a meeting right afterward. The week before, I’d been barely functional; just really wallowing and feeling bad. My therapist’s first words were: “you’re choosing to be resilient. I see that and I admire that about you.” That day, I had the energy to get dressed (even though I did not feel like it at all) and make myself presentable, because I had an obligation. That’s a form of resiliency.

But sometimes being resilient isn’t really about choosing to do those things. It’s about choosing not to do those things. Sometimes, resiliency might be this: making the choice between showering & getting dressed, and actually finishing a client project you’re on a deadline for. If you have enough energy for either one, you’ll probably do the one that makes you money—but doesn’t necessarily look externally like resiliency.

2. Being resilient isn’t always a badge of honor.

Let’s return back to that time my therapist told me I was resilient and that she admired that about me; right afterwards, she said, “you know, you don’t always have to be so resilient.”

Sometimes, our ability to pick ourselves up and get on with this is something to be lauded. We should feel proud that we got dressed enough to take our kids to school, to make a client meeting. We should feel proud that we used our energy to meet a deadline. But sometimes, it’s not something to wear proudly; forcing ourselves to continue going along with our day (going to work, pretending to be happy or fine) is just hurting us in the long run. It’s ok to take time, to focus your energy on healing and getting better. Sometimes, resiliency is something we use to avoid focusing on what’s hurting us.

3. Like a muscle, resiliency is something you strengthen over time.

We all know someone who has never really had anything very bad happen to them. No traumatic family deaths, no big career shifts. At once, it’s very easy to be jealous of that life; what would it be like to never have something go absolutely topsy turvy one day? To wake up and just be… fine?

But everyone, eventually, has an event in their life that will throw them for a loop and require them to become a little more resilient. Mine, right now, is being laid off; I’d gotten complacent in many ways and now, I have to learn to build an identity that isn’t just about being a working mom. Even the people you look at and think, “they’ve never had anything bad happen” will eventually have something bad happen, unfortunately; and they’ll need to learn to be resilient too. The brilliant thing is: the more you practice resiliency, and healing yourself when bad things happen, the better you get at it because you have the mechanisms and knowledge in place to know what to do.

4. Resiliency is an experience, not an identity.

In the words of my therapist: “you’re entire personality cannot be that you work hard even when you are extremely unwell.” Basically, there is more to life than showing everyone you are extremely resilient and hardworking. No one is going to think you’re any less of a hard worker just because you take personal days, or make time for your self-soothing and self-care activities. Resiliency is something we do, an experience we have throughout our day… but it’s not who we are.

5. Some people are just more resilient than others.

This is slightly related to point 3: some people just go through more in their life and develop stronger skills at resiliency.

Some people are just naturally better at “springing back”, if you will.

And some people just aren’t.

I don’t like change, so I think my biggest struggle with resiliency is moving on and adapting myself to something new, and finding tools to help me make it happen. I don’t think I’m naturally resilient, but resiliency is something I’ve adapted to help me over time. The first time around when I was unemployed, I think I was mentally in a better place, but I was also significantly less resilient in many ways.

Being more capable of resiliency, again, isn’t necessarily a personalty trait. It’s just a fact of life.Some people are better at being organized; some people are just naturally better cooks; and some people are just very resilient.

How to Plan the Perfect Christmas & Stay Organized

Repeat after me: there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas.

Your Christmas might not look like a Hallmark movie (and good gravy, wouldn’t we all love an ornately decorated Victorian farmhouse mansion to cover in garland?). Your Christmas might not even look like the one from the Santa Clause.

Whatever Christmas you love, that’s the perfect Christmas for you.

For me, Christmas is this: the tree lit, watching movies on the couch with Danny, Forrest, and Remus, fresh cookies in the kitchen, a candle lit and smelling like either 1) cinnamon or 2) pine trees. That’s Christmas. When I was younger, Christmas was making sugar cookies with my mom, watching the old, classic claymation movies on TV with my brother, and waking up at 3am to open presents (and try to make as little noise as possible with my brother). Christmas every year can be something different, but I want to put the disclaimer here that, there is no perfect Christmas; there is no prescriptive Christmas.

If your Christmas a little Christmas tree with rainbow fairy lights and a Netflix binge on your laptop, then baby, godspeed.

No matter what your Christmas is, I want you to have the most perfect one possible.

For the last two months, I’ve been working on a Christmas planner for myself. I’m planning to make a BUNCH of embroidery projects for my friends & family this year, and organizing everything was starting to become… a lot. I had lists upon lists of thread numbers, patterns, fabric I needed to buy, hoop sizes… it was a lot. I was tired. So I started mocking up a gift planner sheet where I could record everything I needed.

Then, I started working on a planner for my decorations, to start cataloguing everything I had and figuring out if we would need to buy more lights (aka which of ours died during the year they were in storage). From there, I started making all kinds of parts to this personal planner: bucket lists, shopping lists, cookie backing lists, a memories sheet to add to my scrapbook. I showed it to Danny once I had it printed and he said: “are you going to share this on your blog?”

It hadn’t even occurred to me to share it, but I started digging around on Pinterest and there are some Christmas planners out there… but so many of them put the onus on gifts and buying and planning out your Black Friday. That’s not something I’m super interested; I just needed one place to keep my lists, keep a running tab on my embroidery projects (and who I’ve gotten a gift for and who I haven’t, so I don’t have to crawl under the Christmas tree to check), and maybe write down a few important memories.

I thought: why wouldn’t other people enjoy this?

So here it is: the Christmas planner of your dreams. It includes:

• 3 pages of gift lists to record who has a gift & who needs a gift (plus a notes section for any details, such as crafting supplies). This is perfect if you like making gifts, like I do!

• A decoration planner to record what you have where. Keeping track of decorations always feels like a chore. Come February, I end up realizing I’ve had bits of decor still up, with everything else packed away.

• A shopping list for home, work & school, and “misc” to help keep you organized when it comes to remembering if you need more flour or powdered sugar for those super important sugar cookies.

• A bucket list to keep track of movies that you must watch, activities that make your Christmas (trip to the Christmas tree farm, anyone?), cookies that you love to make, and more.

• A memories page to record the best things that happened, everything you did, and your memories of Christmas day right away. This page also includes a section of things to remember for next year, like that your kiddo loved a specific movie or song!

• A page just for Christmas Eve & Day to write down your plans. This page actually has two sections for Christmas eve because I found I needed much more room than was available! But you can use the second section for notes or Boxing Day!

I keep mine in a folder on my desk, but I plan to laminate the pages once Christmas is over to save in our family binder. You can keep yours loose leaf if you want, put them in a binder, cut them up to stick in your planner—whatever works!

I hope you love this planner as much as I do. To download, click the button below—it will take you to a separate landing page, but don’t worry! Your planner is well within reach.

Thanks for reading & happy holidays! If you’d like more planners like this one, let me know in the comments!