4 Pieces of Parenting Advice I Actually Don't Need (Thanks)

When you become a parent, suddenly, everyone wants to talk to you about what they did right--and exactly what you're doing wrong. It was probably one of the most annoying things about when Forrest was little. Sometimes, I asked for advice because I genuinely needed it ("What should I do if he won't stop screaming at me??" Answer: give gripe water, pray to whatever gods you believe in that it works) and sometimes, I just needed someone to say, "Been there, it sucks, I know." 

You know what no need parent needs? To be told what to do. To be told that they're doing wrong. 

So here it is, the 4 pieces of parenting advice you should leave on the cutting room floor. If you find yourself uttering any of these phrases, please take a good hard look in the mirror. 

1. "When I have kids..." 

I'm going to stop you right there. You don't have kids. Hold onto your pants, buckaroo, I've got some news: you will regret every word that comes after this phrase when you do actually have children. I said stuff like this myself and I was wrong. I was so wrong. So just don't say it because you don't know what you're talking about. Sorry (not really). 

2. "Have you tried [all organic/non-GMO formula]?" 

This phrase usually comes after you say something like, "my son's formula is making him spit up a bit." Immediately, my (very well-meaning friends) ask me if I've thought of buying super expensive European formulas (which you have to ship from France). Or if I've thought about switching to non-GMO, organic formula that also costs a buttload more than normal formula?  

Here's the thing: I know what all those words mean. If super expensive, fancy, weird measurement European formula is your bag, it's your bag. Whatever. I'm not gonna do it because none of those things have anything to do with actual, real life, child feeding issues. I'm also not going to buy non-GMO formula that is $10 more expensive than the other formula and doesn't come in refill packs. It's the exact same formula as the other box. 

Because none of those things are ever related to a kids issues. I promise. 

3. "Oh but did you try..." 

When I finally gave up the breastfeeding ghost, again, very well-meaning friends asked me things like, "Oh but did you try visiting a lactation consultant?" and "Oh, but did you Google other holds to try?" 

If you ever find yourself uttering this phrase to someone, please consider how it sounds. I had made my decision. I knew what was best for me. I didn't need one more reminder that people thought I was giving up easy, that I was just whiny and thought it was "too hard." Don't say this to new moms. Don't say this kinda stuff to me. Stop. 

4. "You'll miss them when they're this small!"

Here's the thing about newborns: they kinda suck. I miss Forrest being teeny tiny, but I'm also so glad he's not teeny tiny. He was so much fun post-3 months. He gets incrementally more fun with each passing week. The newborn days were fun because he didn't move and was very snuggly, but a lot of other stuff was going on that made them pretty unpleasant. Stop saying this. It's bad.