How to Set Boundaries As A Mom

Happy August! This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts.

A few months ago, I was talking to my therapist about how difficult it felt to give my son the attention he needs while also finishing my work. She asked me a few questions about how we spent our time during the day. I talked about the added pressure I felt to be doing activities with him: making things and keeping him entertained.

“It sounds like you need some boundaries,” she said.

We kept talking on our Zoom call and when I hung up, I sat for a while thinking about what she had said. Boundaries? With your kids?

I knew all about setting boundaries: I have pretty strict boundaries set up between my work and my life, such as no working after a certain time, taking every other Friday off, not checking my email on my phone, and more. But as a mother, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what it mean to establish boundaries as a mother. With my kid!

We tend to think of setting boundaries as an ultimatum, as something negative or a consequence of something bad happening. But the truth is, the more I thought about what my therapist said (and the more we talked about it over the next few weeks), the more I realized that setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a good thing!

Let’s talk through a few points about setting boundaries as a mother (or parent!). (As a reminder, I’m not a counselor or therapist; this is just what I’ve learned from researching and establishing boundaries in my own life.)

What does it mean to establish boundaries as a mother?

Imagine it: you’re in your office, working away at a task that shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes. 5 minutes in, your son rushes in and needs help. You get up to help him. 5 minutes later, you’re back at your desk… and your son rushes in again to ask you to do something else (fill in the blank: make a comic book, make cookies, go to grandma’s…) That 30 minute task stretches out to an hour, 2 hours, as you work to give your child the attention he needs (because you feel guilty if you say no).

“Sometimes we need to set boundaries around things to protect our own mental health, and that’s ok.⠀⠀”

— ourmamavillage on Instagram

Now, imagine this scenario: you’re in your office, working away at a task that shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes. 5 minutes in, your son rushes in and needs help. You say, “Did you check the door?” He loops back and see’s the “red light” sight on the door, which means “give me time.”

Establishing boundaries isn’t about punishing our kids or making them feel unimportant in comparison to our jobs. It is about providing us the ability to get our work done and not lose our minds in the process.

As working moms (or not working moms, but just moms trying to get shit done during the day), we can often feel like we don’t deserve to set these boundaries because being a parent is one of our jobs of many. We manage homes and schedules, we work jobs, we do the laundry, and we entertain the kids. And if entertaining the kids gets in the way of the other jobs, well, shouldn’t we prioritize our kids? Not necessarily.

You deserve to set boundaries because:

• You deserve to be able to finish a simple task in a short amount of time.

• You need space and rest just as much as anyone else, including your children.

• Your child will benefit immensely from it as well.

How can you set boundaries with young kids?

There is a lot written out there about establishing boundaries with mothers. That is, if you’re an adult and you have a difficult or toxic mother who interferes with your life. There is considerably less out there about establishing boundaries with kids, probably because this is relatively new for women, especially in the millennial generation. We were raised to think kids were our 100% and the current media bent (as well as hospital initiatives like BFHI) is that we should martyr ourselves for the good of our children. However, running ourselves on empty for the sake of our kids… isn’t great either, we just don’t have the evidence to support it quite yet.

So when it comes to setting boundaries with your kids, what can you do?

• Put a small sign on your office door to indicate if they can come in and ask you a question. (My son responds well to “red light” and “green light” signs as he understands what these mean without being able to read.)

• Communicate your boundaries clearly, in language that children understand at their developmental stage. (“When mom is working in your office, please knock before coming in or asking a question” will work for older kids; it won’t work for a 3-year-old!)

• Enforce that some areas are off limits for kids, such as your bedroom or your office. Remind them to knock or ask politely before coming in to ask you something.

• Let kids feel the consequences of a boundary being crossed. It’s easy to give in when kids are sad or disappointed. However, keeping boundaries enforced for both of your sakes is important. Let them understand the consequences and feel the emotion.

What does setting boundaries teach our children?

Setting boundaries in our lives is really hard. We’re all tempted to let them go at certain times (like when your boss texts you to do something ASAP), but setting boundaries, and protecting our mental health, isn’t just good for us. It’s good for our kids too.

Here’s a great post from ourmamavillage on Instagram that I highly recommend you read the entire caption!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jess: Therapist for Parents (@ourmamavillage) on Jul 9, 2020 at 6:15am PDT

Here’s the summary though: it’s kids job to ask for the world. That’s their job! However, giving them the world doesn’t teach them anything about boundaries or what is best for them. If you child asked for ice cream for every meal, they’d be very happy if they got it for every meal. However, they probably wouldn’t feel very good after a few days. It’s our job as parents to create the boundary that says, “you can have ice cream with dinner, but not for every meal. In the meantime, let’s talk about what kind of ice cream we’ll have with dinner!”

In the same way, setting our boundaries as parents helps them learn to set boundaries, protect their own mental health, and respect the needs of others.

How do we stop feeling guilty about establishing boundaries?

Now, here’s the big one: how do we stop feeling guilty?

Part of the reason we feel so guilty is because we are inundated with media that suggests we should feel guilty. Would I have been happier postpartum if I hadn’t read article after article about feeling guilty about not being able to breastfeed? Possibly. If I had just sat down my phone and focused on what was working, would I have been happier in the choices I had to make? I actually am pretty sure of that. Would we feel less worry if we didn’t Google things? Also, definitely.

There are entire Instagram accounts dedicated to feeling guilty, momshame, breastfeeding this, bottle feeding that. It’s easy to get stuck in the idea that there is one best way to parent and we have to follow it or else we’re doing something wrong.

Here’s what I want to ask you: do you think moms in the 1950s were laying awake every night wondering if they were doing it right? The answer is, maybe a few did, but probably not as much as now. Here’s another question: do you think your mother lied awake at night feeling guilty for not letting you have everything you asked for? I know my mom definitely struggled and didn’t get enough time to herself (sorry mom! I love you!), but I don’t think she felt that guilty when she closed her bedroom door and turned up the TV.

If you struggle with guilt (and trust me, there have been a lot of nights in the last 6 months where I’ve lied awake worried that we haven’t done anything fun for Forrest), here’s my advice: stop consuming media about feeling guilty as a mother. Unfollow the Instagram accounts that seem to bathe in their guilt publicly. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel guilty. Stop Googling about it! And most important, set the boundaries so that, when you are in a space to be just with your child, you’re able to have more fun than when you’re letting yourself be run dry.

If you start you feel guilt settling (and sometimes we feel guilt in our body before we think about it), remind yourself that you’re doing your best and that you are protecting both your needs and your child’s (or children’s) needs, that you have a hard job, and our lives right now are not normal. However, if you show your kids love, respect their emotions, and do the best you can… they will be fine. They don’t need supermom.

3 Affordable Sundresses for Plus-Size Women

Good dresses are hard to find, especially if you’re on the plus-size end of the sizing spectrum. I’m sort of right in the middle: at the end of straight sizes and the start of plus-sizes. Sometimes, it’s really hard to tell what size I wear and how I look; there are some stores were the largest sizes simply are never going to fit me and some stores where I wear Mediums and size 10s. It’s hard to know and gauge!

However, I’ve gotten pretty good at hunting down the best items out there for people who are like me and in need of expanded sizes. Target is getting a lot better at this—in fact, one of their labels, Wild Fable, has some incredible sizing. They carry XS to 4X in nearly everything, and up to 2X in stores. That’s pretty incredible, although I wish they went past 2X in stores! Finding good clothes shouldn’t be such a challenge, but here we are.

When I find a good piece, I usually buy multiple of it: different colors, of course, but if I know I like it, it’s hard to not want it in every color possible! Right now, the weather is so warm nearly everywhere, we’re all thinking of sundresses and staying as cool as possible. And hey, just because you wear a larger size doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be cool and comfortable. It’s really stinkin’ hot here in Oregon right now (it’s been 90+ every single day up until yesterday, when it dipped into the 80s—the 80s!) so I’m in sundresses basically 24/7.

Alright, let’s jump into it! Here are my 3 favorite sundresses you can find at Target!

Dress 1: Sleeveless Smocked Dress from Wild Fable, $28.00

I impulse bought this dress in yellow at Target while on a weekend trip to Bend. It was hotter than I expected it to be, I had packed leggings and sweatshirts to wear, and I just needed something I wouldn’t sweat profusely in. Enter, this dress. I bought it in yellow to start with, wore it nonstop for a week, then bought a second in the pink color. They have been staples in my closet ever since then: they’re so easy to throw on and wear a sweatshirt or t-shirt over, or wear with a swimsuit, or lounge around the house in. So many ways to wear them! The only downside is they are kind of see-through; if I wear them out, I wear a slip underneath or similarly colored underwear.

I wear a size Large in this dress. For reference, I usually wear a Large t-shirt and 12-14 size in most jeans. The top is fitted, but very stretchy, and pretty accommodating for all bust sizes.

This dress comes in sizes XS to 4X and in 4 colors (black, pink, yellow, and orange). At my local Target, they’ve had plenty of all the colors except black, which is pretty consistently picked over. However, it looks like all colors are available from the website!

Dress 2: Short Sleeve Knit Babydoll Dress from Wild Fable, $17.00

I bought this dress—a short sleeve t-shirt dress—at the same time as I bought the pink version of the first dress. It was an impulse, sort of; I spotted it, liked it, and decided to try it, telling myself I would return it if I hated it. I didn’t hate it! It fit great. This is one of those dresses that I think will wear well into Fall and Winter too; a pair of tights and a cardigan and it won’t be out of place.

I wear a size Large in this dress as well. One thing to note is that the top is definitely a bit more fitted, but the fabric is stretchy, so again, I think there is some leeway with sizing here. This dress also comes in sizes XS to 4X, but only one color—black with small white stripes.

Dress 3: Women’s Sleeveless Bib Knit Babydoll Dress from Wild Fable, $16.00

This is my most recent Target purchase—and yes, it’s another Wild Fable dress. This one is a nice, soft spaghetti strap dress that fits like a dream. Again, I wear a size Large in this dress and it’s definitely roomy. Wild Fable runs kind of bigger than I would typically expect. I like this dress because the top fits really well and the fabric is so soft and comfy. This is another dress that I think will carry well into Fall and Winter; I have this idea already of layering it over a turtleneck.

For right now, the mustard yellow version is perfect for wearing while listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore and pretend it’s fall. Add a beret or beanie and you’re basically Taylor Swift.

This dress comes in sizes XS to 4X and 5 colors (black, blue, mustard yellow, pink, and striped). I own the striped one (it’s black with white and sort of rust orange stripes—very 90s!) and the mustard yellow. Both are super cute!

Freebie: My Checklist for Daily Organization

I’m so excited to be sharing the last installment of my Let’s Get Organized series. Organization is not about perfection; it’s about having the tools and systems in place to make your life easier, whenever you need it. If you’d like to see May-June’s series on Daily Routines, click here. If you’d like to read the previous posts in the Let’s Get Organized series, click here.

Today’s post is going to be short-and-sweet. I feel like I’ve shared everything I can about creating an organization system that works for you and just you. To reiterate, here’s what to focus on:

• Small spaces first, and then larger.

• Focus on the issue that is keeping that space disorganized (such as too many papers, not having the right storage system, etc) and not the aesthetics.

• Small, daily organization works better than every-6-month-organization-spree.

On that last note, I have a daily organization checklist I’ve been using to help clean up my spaces.

Every week, I print a fresh copy, write out my to do items for keeping my newly organized spaces, well, organized, and then pop it on the fridge to remind me. Here are a few examples of my daily organization items:

• Sort and file new mail.

• Shred any papers in my office that I don’t need.

• Clear kitchen counters and put away clutter.

• Load, run, and empty dishwasher and dish strainer.

I really hope this checklist will be helpful to you as you try to become more organized!

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My 4 Tricks for Getting Kids to Eat Healthier Snacks

Snacking is a shockingly controversial topic in the parenting world.

Some parents are vehemently anti-snack. And some parents let their kids go hogwild.

The truth is: no matter what your approach is, as long as you’re approaching it from a mindset of wanting the best for your kids, that’s great. Do what works for you!

But I know for me, I’ve always stressed a little bit about what Forrest eats in a day. Like most 4-year-olds, he can be really picky. Kids don’t have a lot of control over their day-to-day lives so food is often the one thing they can control. Plus, they like routine and all the things being pretty similar day-to-day. Almost all kids (except the few outliers, you lucky ducks!) have a few (or quite a few) foods they simply won’t touch (Forrest’s are broccoli and potatoes).

Snacks are a great way to teach kids good habits—not just to pick foods that help them meet their nutritional goals, but also to have fun with food and to let their body’s needs guide their choices. However, making sure kids have access to a good mix of snacks—both the fun stuff and the good-for-you stuff—can be really challenging.

Here are my 4 tips for helping kids pick healthier snacks every day. (As a note, these are just a few things to try! Different things, as always, will work for different families. Experiment, find what works, and don’t stress too much about it!)

1. Focus on what your kids already like.

I am a picky eater and I can remember what it was like for me when my mother tried to force me to try new foods or eat new foods. It was stressful and it created a lot of anxiety in me. Especially with snacks, I always wanted to eat the same things over and over: chips and salsa; Cheerios; and maybe an apple with peanut butter.

Forrest is definitely not as picky as I was, but he definitely has different tastes. Whereas I would have happily lived on mashed potatoes (and only mashed potatoes) as a child, he hates potatoes in all forms: fries, roasted, mashed, whatever, he doesn’t like potatoes. However, he does love fruit and yogurt; he will eat fruit and yogurt pretty much always.

The solution? Snacks of fruit and yogurt. Freeze yogurt tubes for afternoon snacks on hot days. Keep cut up apples and peaches in the fridge. We always have apples and strawberries on hand, as well as mangos, peaches, and other seasonal fruits. Forrest is probably never going to be a kid who happily accepts carrots as a snack—but he will eat strawberries and peaches, a smoothie, or some yogurt with fruit and granola.

This has been one of the best things for my anxiety around food and making sure the snacks Forrest eats are at least 80% nutritionally sound most of the time: instead of trying to form his tastes into ones that help me tick all those boxes (5 servings of veggies? check!), I just work with what he likes—rather than what he’s still learning to like.

2. Offer variety and choices.

There are actually 2 ways to approach snacks in your house.

1. Presenting a schedule at the beginning of each day that lists what’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and what is for morning and afternoon snack. And that’s it.

2. Giving them choices (just 2 choices, not all the choices) throughout the day at each mealtime and snack time.

How you approach this really depends on your child and their personality—as well as how well they’ve handled quarantine. (Isn’t that true for all of us?)

For us, I try to give choices. Here’s an example of what I say:

“This morning for breakfast, you can have oatmeal with apples or peanut butter toast with peach slices and granola. Which one sounds better?” Then, Forrest gets to choose—and he knows he always will be able to help me make breakfast.

At snack time, this is what I might say:

“For snack, you can have some cheese puffs and apple slices or yogurt with strawberries. Which sounds best right now?”

It’s really easy to get stuck in the rut of doing the same thing every day for kids. And some kids definitely thrive under that kind of structure. However, it can easily lead to boredom and kids begging for other snacks that you don’t necessarily want them to have every single day.

3. Make healthy snacks accessible.

One of the best things I ever did was make a little shelf for Forrest in the fridge that he can easily reach; it has his water bottle, juice boxes, and yogurts available 24/7. He also has access to our fruit bowl whenever he wants. We have a very simple rule in our house: if he wants a snack sometime other than our usual snack times, he can always have fruit, a yogurt, water, or a juice box—and he can get it himself. I will often find him happily eating a blueberry yogurt or eating an apple while playing with his Legos. It just makes my life so much easier and lets him know that, if he’s hungry, he is always allowed to access these spots no matter what.

4. Don’t restrict snacks.

Regarding point 3, I know for many parents, they feel they need to limit snacking. Especially if they’re worried their children are snacking more out of boredom than anything else. However, I’m trying to teach Forrest that it’s ok to listen to your body and some days, you just need more food than others! He is a very active child and he needs more food somedays. That’s just the reality of life. And while I definitely want him to make choices that make his body feel good, I never want him to feel like he is being deprived or not allowed to eat.

I have noticed this works with Forrest and lots of other kids; if they’re asking for a snack incessantly, it’s probably because they’re hungry. Even if dinner is 10 minutes from being done, they’re small humans and they only know they are hungry right then. I will usually put together whatever I have ready for dinner then; let’s say I’m making BLTs with cucumbers and watermelon. Well, the cucumber and watermelon are ready, so they can munch on those while I finish putting together the sandwiches. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

If kids are begging for snacks in between meals, or in between snacks, I often ask what sounds good and offer a few alternatives. If they all want popsicles, that’s a fairly easy thing to offer! Plus, popsicles can help with hydration—always a great choice during the summer. You can also offer a variety of snacks, like some cheese puffs, a yogurt, a few strawberries, and a juice box and see what they end up picking. It’s not like you can’t save whatever they don’t eat to go with lunch or for the next snack.

My Top 3 Products for My Dog's Health

My dog, Remus, is an 8-year-old chocolate lab. In many ways, he’s a stereotypical lab: he is high energy (2-3 walks per day, plus at least 30-40 minutes of chasing a ball of stick are necessary), he is highly intelligent, and he can be incredibly sensitive to changes in his diet, routine, or home. He is also a garbage surfer: we’ve rushed him to the vet more times than I can count because he ate something he wasn’t supposed to or was so sick from eating something random.

Last year around this time, he ate exactly 3 nuggets of a food we had tried for him and stored in our garage; when we moved, he found those 3 nuggets, ate them, and proceeded to vomit and have diarrhea for 2 whole days. He was diagnosed with colitis, got a stomach x-ray, and cost us about $700… because of 3 nuggets of food. In the course of his life, he’s eating shoes, razors, tampons (so many tampons), napkins, banana peels, coffee grounds, and so many crayons his poop was rainbow colored for several days at a time. (He learned his lesson with the crayons eventually.)

Yeah, labs. They are such great dogs, but health-wise, they are a really mixed bags. Their high energy is fun when you consistently have time, but if you’re having a busy day, it’s equally as likely that they’ll spend the day lying beside your chair (great!) or knocking over every garbage can in your house and eating every tampon they can find (not great!).

As labs age, they also come with an incredibly high risk of arthritis. A few months ago, I started noticing signs that Remus was developing early arthritis. Did you know around 80% of dogs over the age of 5 have arthritis?! It’s very common, even for a relatively young dog of 8. I noticed he was bunny hopping occasionally when he ran outside, as well as sometimes limping when he woke up in the morning or got up after a long nap. His energy level has definitely decreased in the last 2 years—which is somewhat a good thing. But we still go on at least one walk every day (usually early in the morning) and then play fetch for a while.

I asked a few of my lab-owning friends about their favorite products to help their dogs deal with arthritis and aging. I got some great recommendations for everything from joint health to their teeth. I thought I’d share our favorites that have worked with Remus’s admittedly very sensitive stomach.

1. Pure Wild Alaskan Salmon Oil for Dogs & Cats, $34.97

This salmon oil is one of our newer purchases—we’ve been using it for 2 months and I can’t tell you the difference it makes! Right now is prime lab shedding time, at least in Oregon, since we don’t get warm weather until June-July. Labs shed their winter coats in the Spring/Summer, then shed their Summer coats in the early Fall. I’ve been brushing Remus consistently everyday to help, but he just has gobs of hair. So much hair!

Salmon oil is good for a lot of things for dogs—but primarily their joint health and their coats. Remus has definitely gotten a lot shinier since we started using salmon oil and his shedding has been a lot better. Since labs have typically oily coats, it’s not recommended to bathe them very frequently; every 4-5 months is honestly enough. Remus does tend to get a little dandruffy if he gets wet too often, probably from his skin being too dry (and during the summer he runs in the sprinklers a lot)—this has helped with that too.

How to use it: Follow the instructions on the bottle! If you go with a brand different from Pure Wild, make sure to read the instructions carefully. To start, we actually only put about a teaspoon on Remus’s food in the morning and evening; with his sensitive stomach, we wanted to make sure we weren’t setting ourselves up for another colitis incident! He handled it well though. If your dog has a sensitive stomach, definitely start slow. These days, Remus gets a full pump of oil on his morning and evening meals. We’ve used about 1/3 the bottle in about 2 months—so for the price, that’s really good!

2. Dechra Phycox Soft Chews, $49.69

These are a more specialized item; because they are an actual supplement to help with joint health, if you have worries about your dog’s arthritis, make sure to talk to a vet first. These were recommended by our friends, the lab group I’m in, and our vet—so I felt comfortable taking the leap.

We started these chews slowly, just like with the oil. The instructions recommend 4-5 chews a day for Remus’s size for the first 4 weeks, then reducing to 2 a day after that. However, we started with 1-2 chews every day for the first week, just to make sure they wouldn’t make him sick. After the first 4 weeks, we bumped him up to 3 chews a day. We’re giving him 6 weeks with 3 chews a day; we’re really close to that point and then we’ll probably reduce to 2 chews per day.

We’ve noticed such a difference since we started using these! He’s definitely been a bit more spry and less likely to bunny hop when he runs. As well, he hasn’t been limping when he wakes up from naps any more—only first thing in the morning when he’s been asleep for a long time and his limp goes away a little faster.

The one downside is these chews smell really bad! Granted, they’re dog treats—they smell like dog treats, but somehow… more like dog treats. They definitely don’t smell good, but Remus seems to like them.

We haven’t made our way through an entire tub yet—even with just over 2 months of use. We definitely went with an augmented plan though, so this might not be a typical experience. These are available on Chewy.com with a discount for auto-shipping.

3. Milkbone Brushing Chews, ~$10.00

We’ve been giving these Milkbone treats to Remus for about 4 years and I can’t say enough about them. I do want to make sure to emphasize that these are the green brushing chews—they are minty and help brush your dog’s teeth. Remus is never going to be a dog that lets us groom him; we know this, we accept this. We have a special kennel that he uses now that files his nails for us overtime, it’s helped a lot; we can brush him, but it is definitely a chore; and we are never going to be able to brush his teeth. Remus is a super even tempered dog, but the closest he has ever come to having a temper has been when we tried to clip his nails and when trying to brush his teeth.

(I’ve since learned this isn’t abnormal for labs! And especially labs developing arthritis are not going to like their nails clipped.)

However, I really worried about his teeth as I noticed if he chewed on a tennis ball for too long, his gums would bleed. We started giving him these treats and they’ve helped with his teeth so much. He’s never going to have great breath—he is a dog, after all!—but his vet is always shocked at how good his teeth look for being a dog who doesn’t like his teeth brushed at all.

Depending on the size of your dog, the cost of a bag of these treats is super variable; however, for Remus’s size, they are just under $10 a bag on Amazon and at Target. (If you buy them at Target, they are fairly frequently on sale in the Cartwheel app and often have a deal to get a gift card if you buy 2 bags at once.) We give Remus one every day after his evening meal; it’s like his evening snack!

Is There a One-Size-Fits-All Organization System?

I’m so excited to be sharing the second installment of my Let’s Get Organized series: 3 Habits to Stay Organized. Organization is not about perfection; it’s about having the tools and systems in place to make your life easier, whenever you need it. If you’d like to see May-June’s series on Daily Routines, click here. If you’d like to read the previous posts in the Let’s Get Organized series, click here.

There are so many organizational systems out there. And when it comes to finding the best one for you, it can be easy to get overwhelmed. Everyone is talking about Marie Kondo—but I hate those little bins, boxes, and storage systems. Or, you might hear things about having a Command Center—but you might not have storage or space in your home to make that work. You see all these organizational systems and you think… how can I make those work for me? They work so well for other people, but I can’t get my head around it.

Here’s the thing: sometimes organizational systems are presented in a way that makes it seem like once you get X, Y, and Z into place, it will be easy. Or that, everyone has the same abilities as another person, it just requires motivation to get that original bit done.

I’ve been organizing my own stuff, and organizing the stuff of other people, to tell you that this simply isn’t true. Sometimes, organizational systems just don’t make sense to anyone outside of the person who is doing the organizing—and that’s ok! If you’re organizing a room or closet just for yourself, then you don’t really need anyone outside of your family to understand the system.

To answer the question in the title of this post: no, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all organization system. But here are a few ways to find or design one that works for you.

1. What is it that overwhelms you the most?

When it comes to getting organized, what is the number one thing in your home that overwhelms you? For me, it’s mail and the papers we need to save. This overwhelms me so much! I know I need to hold on to medical bills for taxes, receipts, property taxes… there is so much paperwork that piles up. School registrations, sentimental papers, drawings. It gets super piled up really fast.

For me, the number one thing I need to tackle is creating a system that helps control paperwork in my house. That makes it easy to file immediately, find what I need, and look good at the same time.

For you, it might be organizing your pantry. (It can get out of control so fast, especially with all of us home more!)

Or it might be cleaning out all your closets throughout the house.

Or it might be organizing your various collections: DVDs, music, records, serving platters, whatever.

Whatever it is, identifying the main aspect of organization that is challenging for you should be your starting point.

2. What kind of space can you invest in to get it under control?

Let’s use my example. I want to get my paperwork, mail, and more under control. What can I invest in that makes it easy to control?

Firstly, I need a filing cabinet. Right now, I have a filing box that is a little too small, but it works for the moment. I also know I need some kind of sorting system for mail that will go alongside the filing cabinet. One thing I’ve started doing for mail that is so helpful is answering the 2 F’s about each piece: can I file it or frame it? If not, it gets thrown away—I don’t need to save it. So I know I need a system for those two pieces: framing (saving, storing, whatever) and filing.

Obviously, a filing cabinet can be pretty expensive. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at filing cabinets, but it is so hard to find cute ones that aren’t ugly as hell. I also have the (slightly picky) request that my filing cabinet be large enough for my printer to sit on top of. (I know, I know, what a big ask!)

For me, this is what I’ve been researching and pricing out with the hopes to purchase soon. It’s not big: it’s just a filing cabinet. But it will really change my life, I think.

For you, it might be paying for new shelving in your pantry, or buying a bunch of nice storage bins for your closets, or buying those night shelves for your garage. Whatever it is, what can you invest in this system to help you? That’s your second point.

3. What would help you make it easier?

“It would help me so much if my husband understood this filing system and could file as well.” That’s mine. I want my husband to be able to understand our filing system, once we get a big filing cabinet, so that instead of holding onto important papers and misplacing them, he can just file them himself without disrupting my system or asking me to do it for him.

For you, this might mean setting rules for your pantry (no going into the pantry after 5pm, as an example), or setting up a weekly Saturday clean up of your closets. Whatever it is, sit down a make a list: if you could have the perfect system to keep the space you’re working on organized, what would it look like?

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There is no one-size-fits-all organization system. Probably because no two houses are exactly alike, no two families are exactly alike, and no two people own exactly the same things or require the same function in a space. I hope this has given you some ideas for how to take control of a space and reduce the frustration in your own life through organization. Thanks for reading, as always!

The 2 Biggest Mistakes I Made in My First Year of Freelance

Running your own business is hard. Especially when your business is service-based. It would be a whole lot easier if I sold candles or something similar: a single purchase, a relationship formed only if both parties want it to continue.

For service-based businesses, the relationship is the point. And with a business that is predicated on relationships, on managing expectations, things can get really challenging.

This isn’t to say that running one type of business is easier than another. There are things that are super challenging about both, obviously. But sometimes, for me, there are times where I wish I could just ship a physical product and call it done!

Unfortunately for me, I don’t make a physical product. I’ve been super lucky to have a really great first 8ish months of working for myself exclusively—there haven’t been any big issues. However, over the last year, I’ve definitely been able to see the mistakes I’ve made clearly. I wanted to share these as I think, for everyone who works for themselves running their own business, they are things to look out for.

1. Not Setting Clear Expectations with Clients (or, Ignoring Very, Very Red Flags)

If you work in a service-based business, eventually you’re going to come across a client who doesn’t know what they want. They know sort of what you do, they know they need to hire you, but they don’t have any idea what any of this means. They might be micromanage-y about it; they might be standoffish about it; but either way, you’re never going to be able to meet their expectations because they don’t know what they are. For you, this creates a situation where the target is always moving, you aren’t able to get what you need, and, especially if you’re in the early part of your career, you don’t really know how to deal with them.

I have had 2 clients like this so far. Both of them had red flags from the very beginning. With these kind of clients, I often find myself falling into the same cycle:

• They ask me to do something that is outside the scope of my contract with them.

• I’m a pushover, so I start doing that work. I communicate with them a new need (such as a login, payment information for a new tool, etc.)

• They do not respond to my emails.

• I think, “I’m an adult. I don’t need to chase my clients when they don’t respond.”

• I send a follow up email.

• They don’t respond.

• A week goes by and they ask me what’s wrong with their website, why haven’t I done the work they asked for, they don’t understand what’s going on, etc.

I end up feeling gaslit by the end of it—am I the one being flaky? Am I the one not doing what I’m supposed to do? And for both of these clients, I sensed a red flag from the very beginning; I suspected that they didn’t know what they want and got the vibe that they would ask for more work from me than what was in the contract. (Such as asking things like “Oh, you do SEO writing too, not just VA work? That’s good to know!” is usually a sign that they’re going to try to get me to redo their website.)

What did I learn from this mistake? Set expectations at the beginning. Here’s a good script I write for myself:

• “So, from my understanding, you’re asking for [#] hours a week of [task-based work]. While I do provide other services, at this time, that is outside the scope of this contract. I understand that your goals are X, Y, and Z. To help meet these goals, I’ll send check up emails on Monday morning.”

That’s just a brief script—I might include more, as well as an email summary that includes a write up of what I’ll be doing in the hours I have dedicated to that client. I also keep my expectations really clear: I am not an employee and I won’t act like one. If an urgent task comes up, I will do my best to tackle it right then and there—but most likely, I will have to work it into my schedule. Making these expectations clear—that I am not their babysitter or manager, but rather an expert in my field they are hiring to take over—is a huge aspect of my on-boarding now. Live and learn, y’all.

2. Not Invoicing My Clients for All the Time I Spent on Their Projects

“Well, I spent 3 hours working on that due to technological issues, but I feel bad that it took so long, so I’ll invoice for 1.5 hours instead,” I said about literally every project with literally every client for the first 6 months of freelancing.

Not only does this cheat your clients—they think you’re doing a ton of work efficiently in half the time, giving them a false sense of how long projects take—it cheats you. You didn’t spend 1.5 hours on that—you spent 3 of your hours (out of 24 in a day, of which hopefully you spend like 10 or so sleeping!) on it. And you deserve to get paid for those 3 hours, even if it took you longer than you thought it should, even if you feel bad about it.

Which, note to self, why do I feel bad about invoicing my clients? They hired me! They’re paying me! That’s what I’m here for!

What did I learn from this mistake? This was a huge mistake I made that doesn’t really have any impact on the work I did or the relationship I built. But it did effect how I saw my work over time, it impacted me financially (obviously spending 12 hours a day working and invoicing for half of it and then wondering why my invoices are so tiny at the end of the month—note to Michelle, you gotta stop this), and it made me feel burnt out. Not only that, I felt really stupid about it!

Now, I invoice for every minute, every second that I work for a client. I personally use Clockify to manage my time and see how much I’ve worked on a project (and to know if I’m using too many hours—in which case I communicate with the client and let them know I’ll either need to scale back hours or we should increase their budget)—it includes a timer so that I just set it at the start of a task and have a detailed description of every minute I’ve worked.

This leads me to a specific example. This is actually one of the clients in my first example—a client I had to fire for asking me to do more work than was in the scope of my contract, paying me too little (I didn’t negotiate and I was making $12 an hour—that’s right, $12 an hour), and blaming me consistently for things that were not my fault. (A prime example is their website went down because they renewed the wrong website—which unfortunately badly effected their SEO. I wasn’t hired for SEO though and I’m not a programmer; I couldn’t help them with the technical bits of their website!) When I fired them, I sent my last invoice—and they didn’t pay it, didn’t pay it, didn’t pay it. When I finally asked them what was up, as our parting of ways was not contentious, she replied that because she would have to redo some of the work I had done, she didn’t think she should have to pay me for those hours and her bookkeeper agreed. I was so upset that I just said fine, pay me whatever. (Reminder: this was work that was completely outside the scope of my contract to begin with!)

Friends, this is wrong. Your client does not get to determine whether you are paid for the work you did for them or not. You did the work, you get paid for it. There is no arguing. If they do argue, tell them you will speak to a lawyer. If you have a contract (and you should always have a contract), make sure to stipulate payment terms. If you have to prove you did the work, that’s fine. But if you do deliver the work that is asked for, you deserve to be paid for it—and there is no reason why a decent business would ever argue about it or try to step back on a contract.

Whew! All this is to say: invoicing is a challenging part of freelancing, I struggle to bill clients appropriately (due to some guilt issues and imposter syndrome), and I completely understand if you feel lost and confused about the process because, honey, honestly, same.

Ok, over to you: what’s your biggest mistake you’ve made freelancing? I’m not talking email-sent-at-the-wrong-time or email-gone-unanswered, but rather—what is a mistake you made that taught you a serious lesson about running your business?

3 Cozy Summer Loungewear Pieces for Working from Home Featuring Femme Luxe*

It’s been so long since I’ve written and posted anything close to fashion content—including photos. I’m really out of the habit. However, I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect loungewear for wearing around the house while I’m working—pretty much since quarantine started in March. I feel like I’ve ordered more new loungewear and pajama sets than I have in years.

Part of the reason why I’ve been on the hunt for great loungewear is because I want to feel comfortable while I’m working from home, while also wearing things that don’t make me feel super slovenly or gross. I tend to wear my pajama pants (well loved pajama pants! I’ve owned the same 5 pairs since before I was pregnant with Forrest) and t-shirts of Danny’s when I’m home. And frankly, after a few weeks of that, I wasn’t feeling so great.

Loungewear gives you that perfect in-between of “I’m dressed up” but also “I’m super comfortable.” When Femme Luxe reached out to me to showcase a few outfits, I was excited to see so much loungewear available. It isn’t the sort of website I would usually consider placing an order from, but I decided to test it out and see what I thought. I’m really glad I did. Here are the 2 outfits I picked out (comprised of 3 separate pieces!).

The first choice I made was this Gray Oversized Loungewear Set. I love an oversized t-shirt, so that was an easy choice to make. In regards to sizing, I ordered the Large size in this one—the shirt is perfectly oversized. The leggings were a bit small at first, but have stretched out a little overtime. I’m typically a size 12-14 ish in pants and skirts (although it’s super variable), so just keep that in mind if you’re ordering.

Best of all these 2 pieces are comfy and soft. Since it’s a uniform gray-all-over, I feel a little more put together than just in my slubby oversized t-shirt!

One thing to note is that these leggings are a bit see-through in the butt—so if you wear them out, make sure to wear a longer t-shirt (like the matching one!) or a tunic-style top to cover up (if that’s something you worry about! If not, live your life girl!)

The second loungewear set I picked was the Taupe & Black Oversized Hoodie Shorts Loungewear Set. It’s a set of basically sweatpants shorts and a zip up hoodie vest—I picked the olive green color, but it also comes in taupe.

I ordered the XL size in this one and I probably could have ordered a size large. The shorts are a little too big, but that’s fine because they’re so comfortable and soft. I’ve probably worn this set more than any other—it’s so comfortable and perfect for summer, when it’s too hot for leggings, but you want to be comfy.

The hoodie vest is also great for layering—I like having pockets when I’m in my house, only so I always have my phone and glasses. These ones are perfect—they’re super big!

I paired this set with the Coral California Graphic T-shirt. I ordered a size Large in this as well—it fits really well. I’ve worn this t-shirt so much, I’ve washed it 3 times since I got it already! It’s probably my second favorite piece (after the shorts from the loungewear set!) and I’ve gotten a ton of compliments on it. It’s just a cute graphic t-shirt, perfect for wandering around the house, working or just lounging.

My favorite thing about these 2 outfits is that, if I have to jump on a quick Zoom call with a client and don’t want to change my outfit, it doesn’t look like I’m wearing loungewear—I look nice without having to put in a ton of effort!

When I first was approached by Femme Luxe, I was worried that they wouldn’t carry much in my size. Being plus size these days definitely feels a bit restrictive at times—there’s just less for us. But if you’re in the smaller range of plus size, Femme Luxe is a great, affordable option. Even better, they do ship to the United States, so if you, like me, want to try some new loungewear pieces, they will make it across the pond!

Disclaimer: As denoted by the asterisk (*) in this post’s title, I did receive items for free in exchange for posting. Posts like this help me keep the lights on here at Writing Between Pauses. However, all opinions remain my own. If you’d like to learn more about my disclosure policy, click here.