The New Normal

I've sat down to write a blog post at least seven times in the last week. I've gotten out my list of topics; I've sat with my planner open; I've started writing... and every single time, I get distracted (usually by Forrest). I've tried to write about postpartum bodies, about Forrest's first weeks, about fashion. About anything. When I'm sleep deprived and struggling to stay awake between feedings, diaper changes, and more, it's hard to focus on articulating thoughts correctly... even though I have a lot to say about my first few weeks as a mom. 

I have spent nearly everyday at home since Forrest and I were released from the hospital. Except for doctor's appointments, I don't really leave the house. Danny and I have gone out to dinner together, sans Forrest, once; we've taken him out to eat with Danny's family once. I went to the grocery store for the first time on my birthday. I have gone to my own doctor's appointment solo once. Every minute of my day is dedicated to Forrest and making sure he eats and stays clean. A typical span of two hours in my house looks like this: feed Forrest; put Forrest to sleep (can take 10 minutes or three hours); transfer Forrest to swing or rocker; pump for a minimum of 30 minutes; clean bottles and pumping supplies; do one part of one chore (put laundry in the washing machine; wipe down the counters; throw away the dead flowers in the vase on the kitchen counter); and repeat. It is, to be honest, exhausting... and then I get to spend all night doing it. Yay! 

In the wee morning hours of my birthday, I sat in my glider, rocking Forrest for about 45 minutes in the vain attempt to get him to sleep. It was 2:30am and, of course, the longer he refused to close his very sleepy eyes, the more I cried. I sang every lullaby I could think of until I sang "Happy Birthday to me" through tears. I wanted so badly for him to go to sleep, to have a good day with him, to go to sleep myself. Then, I looked down at his little face: he'd finally drifted to sleep, closing his dark blue eyes and opening his little mouth to snore. I loved him so intensely at that moment, more powerfully than I have ever loved anything in my life, that it made up for how tired I was, how sad I felt about my birthday.  

It is very easy to make life with a newborn sound all bad. To outsiders (those without kids or who don't want kids ever), it probably sounds like some version of hell. You squeeze a very small human out of the most narrow part of your body and then, immediately begin a year-long sprint of sleep deprivation. They can't lift their own head; they poop and pee all the time, sometimes on you; none of their clothes fit; they communicate through screaming and grunting at you. 

But the raw facts of life with a newborn ignore the really great parts. Yes, Forrest spent three hours scream-crying at me yesterday, but he then spent ten minutes on the floor with me, just looking at my face. Yes, I worry constantly about how much he's eating; I pump and measure and stress and chug water to make sure my body makes enough food, but when he falls asleep on my chest and I finally have time to take a nap, I sometimes choose holding him close to me for just another hour... just because. 

I try not to miss the things I used to do. I'd love to have time for scrapbooking, for journaling, for writing blog posts and hanging out on Twitter; I'd love to sleep for 8 hours straight, make a lazy breakfast, and drink coffee while I watch Food Network. I try not to beat myself up about my messy bedroom, about the breastmilk stains on all my shirts. Because while I am missing all those things (and it would be a lie to say that sometimes I just wish I could have one more day to myself to do all of them), I also love everything new in my life... I just have to get used to it and I'm not quite there yet. 

Can You Create Monetized Content Without Feeling Like a Sellout?

As most bloggers know, it's difficult to write sponsored posts without being accused of selling out or resorting to inauthentic content. If you read Get Off My Internets at all, you know this is one of the most common complaints about bloggers: they start great, they get popular, they start doing sponsored posts, and it's downhill from there. It feels like attempting to monetize--in whatever ways bloggers can--feels authentic, no matter what, to readers... especially if your audience consists of those who maybe don't understand what monetization means. 

Is it possible to monetize without feeling like a sell out? 

Including ads on your blog is one thing--but turning posts into ads themselves can feel, well, less than amazing. It's important to note here that some bloggers still struggle with identifying sponsored posts. I've seen a lot lately featuring c/o products or product placement that is not identified as such, as well as affiliate links that aren't properly identified. It's important to remember that everyone has to identify both sponsored posts and affiliate links. Not properly identifying is, actually, being kind of a sell out and is a marker of shadiness, so let's avoid it in the blogging world. 

How can you accept sponsored posts, which are lucrative and flattering opportunities, without feeling like your compromising your blog's content? 

Accept Sponsored Posts That Mean Something

Writing about a business you support, a product you love, or a charity you already support is easy. When it comes to sponsored posts, you should use the same criteria: is this a product, business, or cause that I already support? Does it fit into my blog's currently content? Would I have to do some really creative writing to make it fit? 

Ask yourself: If I bought this product on a whim or visited this business, would I write a post about it anyway? When it comes to sponsored posts, there's your answer. 

Remember those really weird few weeks last year where it felt like every fashion and lifestyle blogger was sponsored by Kotex? Man, did that bring out some weird posts! No offense to anyone who took the sponsorship, but it felt like Kotex was handing out free samples, in exchange for posts, like candy... and nearly everyone took it. I remember even a new age positivity guru blog that I follow had a sponsored Kotex post, as well as a hippie grunge fashion blogger. And you know what? It turned me off both all the bloggers who posted Kotex-sponsored content and Kotex itself. That's not a win for a company or a blog--so what's the point? 

Don't Take Offers Just for Free Stuff

We've all interacted with One Of Those Bloggers on Twitter: they just want free stuff. They just want products. They tweet major companies every chance they get, spend Twitter chats sending out their link (instead of actually interacting with other bloggers), and post product review after product review in the hopes that Benefit, Ulta, or any other brand will send them free merch. No one really likes this blogger and no one should aspire to be like this. 

Blogging isn't about "free stuff." It's great to get a free mascara to review, or a box of Cheerios, or something fun... but blogging should, first and foremost, be about providing great content to readers. It's a special subset of the population that reads and supports blogs (and Pinterest has definitely helped with this!) but they are very easily turned off. No one wants to read the same boring review over and over. No one wants to be sold too 100% of the time! 

If you started your blog to get free stuff, think again. It's never going to be authentic. 

If It Doesn't Feel Right, Don't Do It

It feels like a hundred years ago, but back when I wrote Locked Out, I accepted a sponsorship from Vedette Shapewear. At the time, I was excited: they sponsored tons of bloggers (in retrospect, this should have been a warning sign) and had tons of followers on social media. I picked out the products I wanted to try, got the rules for my posts, and excitedly started creating content. However, when I sent photo and post drafts to them, they responded that they weren't happy: they felt like my outfits weren't showing off the shapewear appropriately. A big part of their campaign was wearing shapewear as daywear, which is fine in theory... but I'm not a high fashion model. I can't exactly pull of wearing a sheer bra in the day time. Instead, I'd worn a sheer top over it, as well as an A-line skirt. They wanted the photos and outfit to be sexier. Had they not looked at my blog? 

In retrospect, I should have known it wasn't a good fit and, even at the time, I'd had my reservations. I should have said "No thanks!" at the start, but I was too excited at being offered a chance. 

Moral of the story: if a sponsored post opportunity doesn't feel right, don't do it. 

Stay True to You

Only you fully understand what you want from your blog and only you see what your audience loves most. When it comes to monetized content--from ebooks to sponsored posts--stay true to what you want to include... and remember what your audience wants. Taking the time to include monetized content is beneficial to you, but spending extra care to ensure that it remains authentic (and your blog stays amazing) is just as beneficial. 

Do you have tips for monetizing your blog without selling out? Share with me on Twitter!

3 Super Easy Maternity Outfits (That Anyone Can Wear)

Maternity clothes. They're the worst, right? I've written about them before and my feelings are, obviously, clear: maternity clothes are awful and horrendously expensive. But as much as I'd like to say "you can do without them!" I know that isn't true. At a certain point, your jeans aren't going to be able to button and your belly band can only hold so much in. Your comfort comes first and sometimes, that means full, stretchy panels that go to the top of your rib cage. 

However, it doesn't mean you have to break the bank to stay cute while pregnant. I like to think I did so (even as I took to wearing leggings everyday after around 32 weeks). Here are three outfits, and suggestions, for keeping yourself cute and comfy during the hardest 9 months of your life. 

1. Stretchy Long T-Shirt, Jeans, & Accessories

This photoset is courtesy of KaseyoftheFields on Polyvore. I'm pretty sure she never intended it to be used as an example of a maternity outfit, but let me tell you, it totally works. Stretchy, extra long t-shirts and tank tops from Target, Forever 21, and Old Navy saved my butt (or, uh, belly) during my pregnancy. I am personally not a fan of flowy maternity tops: I thought they made me look huge. 

Instead, I invested in a good pair of maternity jeans (mine were these Liz Lange jeggings from Target) and then a variety of t-shirts and tank tops for layering. With this basic uniform, you can add scarves, jackets, cardigans, and accessories to keep your look fresh as the days pass. 

2. Maxi Skirt with... Anything

You know what saves pregnant women? Maxi skirts. They don't even have to be maternity (as this outfit set proves). If you have any belly sensitivity, which is incredibly common, jersey knit maxi skirts are sometimes the only thing you can wear. The bonus? They are incredibly affordable. I bought a plain, black maxi skirt in April that I have worn so much that it is pilling--but it was only $15. I've also found great maxi skirt options at Rue 21, Target, and Old Navy for less than $20. You can wear the skirt under your bump or you can pull it up over if you need to alter the length. 

Just like a great pair of maternity jeans, you can pair maxi skirts with essentially anything. I'm partial to layered tank tops and a great cardigan or jacket, but you can go with flowy tops or sweaters as the weather gets chillier. 

3. Basic Maxi Dress + Tops

If you're going to drop a ton of cash on anything while pregnant, I recommend a great maxi dress. Like maxi skirts, they are incredibly versatile and help with belly sensitivity. As well, wearing dresses while pregnant keeps pressure off of your bladder, which can reduce trips to the bathroom. (This is a win-win.) You might think a maxi dress has limited options, but think again. 

My favorite way to wear my basic black maxi dress during the summer was with a chambray top tied over my belly. This helped keep me warm in chilly air conditioning (without having to lug around a separate sweater or jacket) and it looked super cute. I also experimented with belting t-shirts over my maxi dress and belting a variety of cardigans. There are tons of ways to layer a maxi dress, so pick one in your favorite color and play with your options! 

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For more great maternity outfit options, check out my maternity style board on Pinterest or view my past pregnancy outfits on Instagram!

Social Media Isn't Scary (I Promise)

Some people intuitively "get" social media.

And of course, some don't. 

Funny enough, I would actually consider myself in the second group. Inherently, I'm not a person who enjoys bragging (or does it well), nor am I inherently charismatic. 

The parts of social media that I "get" tend to be the nitty gritty: collecting statistics; basic scheduling tips and tricks; the importance of visual content; and analytics. And all that I've learned from years of using social media on my own and through working in social media for a year.  

The number one thing I've heard from friends who also work in the industry is this: "social media is intimidating!" or "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong on social media..."

I don't claim to have all the answers... but sometimes, I think the solution to the problems many people have with social media is incredibly simple. 

Social media isn't scary... and it isn't complicated either. 

Social media is incredibly easy. That isn't to say that it's "easy" to get followers or to make sales--that's actually quite complicated. But social media itself is easy and it doesn't have to be scary, time consuming, or intimidating. 

Good social media requires a few things: 

• A routine, 
• Dedication, 
• And specific attention to analytics and results.

Social media isn't time consuming.

When I was training realtors on using social media, the number one argument and complaint I got was, "But I don't have time!"

Social media can seem daunting because it seems like you'd have to spend hours on social media: posting, reading, responding. That just isn't the case. It'd be great if we all have 5-6 hours a day to dedicate to social media (and how fun too!), but none of us do--even social media professionals. 

As I said, social media requires a routine and dedication to that routine. The advice I gave to realtors was this: take 10 minutes at the start and end of everyday to check your social media accounts (whether it is Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn). Use those 10 minutes to like anything, RT a few tweets, and Favorite any articles you want to post yourself. On a weekend morning, you can take an hour, tops, to repost articles, write content, or create a timeline of content you want to share. 

It sounds easy, right? It is. It just takes time management, dedication, and a strict routine--things that entrepreneurs are supposed to have anyway, right? 

Social media requires strategy. 

Whether you're running a lifestyle or fashion blog or starting your own business, having a social media strategy is important. As I've written in the past, this is something I struggle with personally (it's hard to draw the line between personal social media and public!). Adhering to a strategy--and not deviating, despite what you might want--is incredibly important. Knowing the times to post, how to interpret analytics, and what kind of content your audience favors is daunting, but by creating a strategy, you can keep an eye on all of those details--and succeed.

Need help creating a strategy for your social media? I can help.

My Favorite Blogs

I've been reading blogs longer than I've been maintaining a blog--and considering I started writing, seriously, on the internet in 2007, that's a long time! I've found lots of wonderful blogs over the years, but I always have my favorites. 

1. Girl Next Door (Charlotte) 

I feel like I’ve been reading Charlotte’s blog approximately forever... but I think I actually started in December 2009. Which is a really long time! I have this really embarrassing ability to track Charlotte's life from what outfits I remember her wearing. 

We’ve both changed our blogs so much since then, but we’ve remained blog friends through it. I still love her outfit posts, but I think I especially love her posts about running and lifestyle. I’m always jealous of how good her food looks on Instagram! (When I try to take pictures of food, it ends up looking like mush. Why is that?!) 

2. Rebel Angel and Big Cup Little Cup

Sian is another blog friend that I’ve been reading for what feels like ages. I actually think I found her through Charlotte’s blog! She has great outfit posts and I love reading about her life. She travels so much and I love her vacation posts... because I live vicariously through them! Sian also runs a lingerie blog that I love: I’ve learned more about bras from reading Sian than from anywhere else. 

3. A Beautiful Mess 

This is one blog that I read (and love) without actually knowing the people behind it. Emma and Elsie are insanely good at what they do... and what they do is create gorgeous content that people just want to share. I bought and am currently reading their Blog Life e-course and I’ve learned so much about marketing, blogging, and photography already. 

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hat are your favorite blogs? Share with me on Twitter! 

No (Bed) Rest for the Wicked

I never would have called myself necessarily "active" in the past. In fact, I would have argued that, despite all appearances, I'm relatively sedentary: my day-to-day job consists of me sitting and working on a computer (hence the carpal tunnel) and when I get home, it consists of more of the same. I wrote blog posts, I read the news, I work on my NaNoWriMo plans. I'm not out jogging. 

However, bed rest changed things. 

I started to realize just how often, and how much, I am up and around. I clean the kitchen every night; I vacuum and Swiffer as much as I can; I put away clothes, fret over Forrest's room, and generally spend a lot of time walking back and forth. Being unable to stand at the stove and cook, or stand at the sink and wash dishes, made me realize that even though I am, yes, kind of sedentary, I also spend a ridiculous amount of time on my feet. 

And so, when I can't be on my feet, I get antsy. I can't wash the dishes or clean up the living room like I'd like. I can't do the laundry I'd been planning to do or the reorganizing session I'd planned for Forrest's closet, the laundry room, or the pantry. I can't shampoo the carpets or wash the baseboards or anything. In prime nesting mode, I can't do any of the things I'd wanted to do. 

I don't want to say "bed rest sucks," because, honestly and truly, it doesn't. It can be annoying to have other people cleaning my house (it makes me feel lazy) and it can be annoying to not be able to cook the meals I want to cook or go for a walk or anything like that. But bed rest really isn't so bad. It's annoying and it's disruptive to my daily schedule, but it's actually really awesome to be able to stay in bed all day. 

That being said, I obviously get bored easily. I like to switch between tasks to prevent my own personal boredom and I like to have lots and lots of things to do at all times. Considering that my options with bed rest are "computer," "read a book," "watch a movie," or "play on my phone", that makes things a little, well, dull after a while. Not unpleasant, but just dull. 

Luckily, I'll only be on bed rest for two weeks at the absolute most. Some women are put on bed rest early in their pregnancies (shout out to my sister's "couch potato rest" from 20-ish weeks on), which would probably get really, really boring after a while. 

The thing that tends to strike me the most, as I lay in bed, is loneliness. It was my number one problem when I was in the hospital: when my mom and Danny left on the first evening, I cried for hours (but didn't tell them). Watching hospital TV and asking the nurses for snacks was boring, but I could deal with it. I couldn't deal with how alone I felt, especially since I was worried and anxious. When I was released from the hospital, the thing that hit me when I finally got home and curled into bed (my spot for the next few weeks, unless I migrated to my desk or the couch), was that I was going to get really lonely. Despite being a relatively solitary person, I do like talking to other people; I do like having people around. Being able to clean the kitchen while Danny played video games and we talked was a nightly ritual. Instead, I was stuck upstairs, feeling isolated and very alone. 

If someone you love (me) is put on bed rest, the number one thing you can do is be there for them (and the people who love them, like my mom and Danny). The cleaning is great and so is making food. But mostly, it's nice to just have someone to talk to during the day--even if it's via text. 

All About My New Blogging & Social Media Plan

You may have noticed how regularly I've been posting lately.

This isn't just out of boredom (although bed rest is certainly giving me a lot of time to plan and write). I recently decided to dedicate myself more fully to my blog, to writing, and to gaining freelance writing opportunities, as well as alternate forms of income. The main readers of my blog have, until this point, been my friends & family, as well as long-time blog friends and acquaintances.

Ultimately, I want to grow my readership... without jeopardizing the parts of my blog that I love (basically, being able to write about my life). I also want to start focusing on one of my little known passions: digital marketing strategy and planning, as well as content creation. You might have noticed a few posts of that variety recently. 

This is a somewhat sudden shift in content and it can be kind of jarring. I'm trying to bridge the gap between my two, often very different blog topics. Ultimately, I want my digital marketing content to relate to all people--small business owners, other bloggers, and my friends & family (to help them understand just what, exactly, it is that I do)--and I'm hoping I can accomplish that. 

Alongside these new style of posts, I'm trying to "clean up my act" on social media. For a long time, I've dithered on social media: sometimes I'm more serious, sometimes I'm a jokester, sometimes I forget Twitter even exists for a few days. The time has come for me to buckle down and be serious. You'll see noticeable changes in my Instagram and Twitter feed. (I was hoping to make changes to Instagram this week, but after being in the hospital, it felt strange to bounce right back to posting my pre-planned content!) 

This all goes hand-in-hand with taking blogging seriously again. For a long time, I couldn't take blogging seriously because I wasn't ready again. For a long time, my blog was my life and I received too much validation through it. This time, I want to use this blog to expand my career--which means I have to be just a little bit more serious. 

Just because the direction of my blog, and social media, is changing doesn't mean I'll cut out any of the things that make people like my blog to begin with. I still want to write about lifestyle, fashion, beauty, and blogging--but alongside those posts, I want to share my expertise when it comes to writing, content creation, staying creative, and building great strategy. 

I Never Thought I'd Have Preeclampsia (But Here I Am)

I sealed my fate with a text message. "I'm really scared that I have preeclampsia," I wrote to my mom. She replied back, "I don't think so. You'd be really sick." It did little to calm my fears. At my doctor's appointment the next day (September 10) , my blood pressure was slightly higher than usual--but considering my blood pressure had been relatively low my entire pregnancy, it wasn't shocking. I was also incredibly stressed out and having anxiety attacks. My doctor wrote me a note to reduce my work hours (which I didn't do) and I moved on. 

But something in the back of my mind told me that it wasn't right. I knew something wrong. I didn't really know what. 

It was little things. I felt terrible most days, but then, who doesn't in their third trimester? I got headaches. My hands puffed up so bad some days at work that I couldn't bend them and drove home with my thumbs hooked in the steering wheel, my fingers completely straight. My feet hurt all the time; some mornings when I got out of bed, I could feel the fluid in them slosh as I walked. My ankles and calves were so swollen by September 20 that my Uggs barely fit. None of my socks fit on my feet. 

There were other signs too. At recent doctor's appointments, my weight gain had suddenly, massive shot up. Nothing too extreme: I went from gaining maybe 2-3 pounds a month to 10 pounds in one month, followed by 4-5 afterwards. However, I could feel it: in the appearance of my face, the puffiness of my ankles and feet. 

Something was wrong, but I thought, hoped, that it was just typical pregnancy pains. 

However, after a 48-hour headache last week, I knew something was seriously coming on. I either had a cold or something was wrong with me. Not Forrest... he kicked and spun and rolled around like a champ. I asked my mom if she would take me to my doctor's appointment; I tried to act very nonchalant, like "Oh, just another fun girl's day!" But I was worried about driving myself; I was worried about how the appointment would go. 

At my doctor's appointment, my blood pressure was 165/101. If you know anything medical, you know this is devastatingly high--especially for someone whose blood pressure has always been on the "lower side" of normal. My doctor immediately explained the dangers of preeclampsia--a condition that, if left untreated, can lead to eclampsia, a seizure disorder. I asked her why caused it: was it because I had gained too much weight? Was there something wrong with me? The answer isn't really simple because no one really knows anything about preeclampsia. Like gestation diabetes, it is not caused by anything a pregnant person does: it's caused by the placenta. 

My doctor wanted me to go, immediately, to Labor and Delivery at Riverbend. She further explained that, depending on a NST (basically, a fancy way of saying "we'll monitor your baby's heartbeat for 20-40 minutes") and a blood test, I may have to stay overnight for further monitoring and a 24-hour urine catch (glamorous). And, if things seemed especially bad after the blood test (such as signs that my kidneys or liver were in the early stages of failure), I would potentially be induced to give birth. That night. At 35 weeks, 6 days. 

I agreed to go to Labor and Delivery and numbly walked out to my mom in the waiting room. I'd opted to not have her go with me to the exam room (I knew my doctor would do a cervix check and there's just a line sometimes, you know), but part of me wished I had: how could I explain everything I'd just been told? 

"I'm glad you came with me today," I said. "My doctor is sending me to Labor and Delivery because my blood pressure was very high." 

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At Labor and Delivery, I was admitted and spent about two hours in one of the triage rooms: they aren't delivery rooms, but they aren't recovery rooms either. It's the room where you go when you think you're in labor: they check out the baby, monitor your contractions, maybe do a cervix check, and then make a decision. It was different for me. I was hooked up to the monitors so Forrest could be watched (like I said, this is referred to as NST and is something I would repeat at least three times a day for the remainder of my time in the hospital). I was also given an IV line (a first for me) so that I could have blood taken. My nurse, Erin, explained that she was doing an IV line because if I ended up staying the night or they decided I needed to go into labor, it would be much easier to give me any medications with an IV already in place. 

The blood test results came back quicker than I expected: my liver and kidneys were still functioning, but my doctor still wanted me to be kept for 24-hours (overnight) so that I could do a urine catch. Basically, they run a test to see how my kidneys function for 24-hours and see exactly how much protein they are leaking. I knew I was leaking protein, but it's hard to say, from one or two samples (which may be diluted from my drinking water or being nervous), what exactly that means. They would also be taking my blood pressure and vital signs every 3-4 hours to gauge what my average BP was and to make sure it didn't spike.  

I was admitted to the Mother-Baby unit (Recovery unit, essentially). My mom ran home to get my hospital bag (something I had, thankfully, packed in the weeks before with brand new sweatpants I expected to wear after I had a baby) and to collect Danny, who was surprisingly good at acting like he was not totally freaked out. 

For 24 hours, I peed into a "hat" in the toilet and a CNA or nurse emptied it into a medium-sized bucket nestled in a tub of ice. Have you ever had to collect all of your pee for 24 hours? Let me tell you, it gets to you after a while. It's also embarrassing to hit the Call Nurse button every time you pee to say, "I have urine to collect." 

On Friday morning, I excitedly waited for noon to hit so I could be done with the 24-hour urine thing. I was pretty over it by then. My nerves were frazzled, I was bored and achy and generally wanted to be home with my dog and husband and things. At noon, everything was sent to the lab for testing and so the waiting game began. 

Unfortunately, the waiting game happened to intersect with a high blood pressure reading. The machine they use to run the 24-hour urine test had malfunctioned or broke, so a test that normally took only 2 hours hadn't been completed by 3:30. At 3:30, I had one higher-than-my-current average BP reading (150/100, as opposed to around 145/85 or 95).

At around 6, my doctor finally came in to tell me that I had had 500mg of protein in my urine. Anything over 300mg suggests mild preeclampsia and over 1000mg is severe (and would require immediate labor inducement), so I was still in a safe zone. However, my doctor was very concerned about my one elevated BP reading. She felt that it was possible my blood pressures would start climbing and, given that it was a Friday evening, if I started to get incredibly sick, there would be no where for me to go to have my blood pressure or urine tested... other than the hospital. She wanted me to stay another night and, of course, I cried. 

To my credit, at this point, I had slept a total of maybe 4 hours since the day before and that's if I'm being generous. I'd also spent all day, hoping against hope, that I would be released from the hospital and able to go home and have a real dinner.

My doctor explained something really important to me then: the goal of having a baby isn't to just have a baby. The goal of having a baby is to achieve optimal health for both mother and child. If one's health is compromised, then there is no point to continuing the pregnancy is the benefits don't outweigh the risks. 

The thing about preeclampsia is this: it doesn't really do anything to babies. Preeclampsia (and eclampsia) are primarily damaging to pregnant women. It is only when the symptoms become so severe that women begin to experience multiple organ failure and seizures that the baby's life is jeopardized. The entire time that I've been plagued with feet the size of bear claws and headaches and a general feeling of unwellness, Forrest has chugged along like a happy little clam. 

I begrudgingly agreed that it would be best to stay another night, but I was still mad as hell. My mom picked up Five Guys for Danny and I; Nate and Amy visited; I did another NST on Forrest; and I took an Ambien. I don't know what combination of these things caused the planets to align and my blood pressure to be extremely stable throughout the night, but it happened. 

At 9:30 Saturday morning, my doctor came into excitedly tell me that I could go home. She was impressed by my blood pressures, but wanted me to take my own twice a day. (Danny and I had previously purchased a blood pressure cuff for his use.) She also wanted me to be on complete bed rest: no cleaning, no cooking, no shopping. I could get up to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, shower, that kind of stuff. But nothing intense. 

For an active and antsy person like myself, this was surprisingly not daunting or unpleasant sounding. I would have done anything to get out of the hospital for at least a few days at that point, however. So maybe it was just perspective. I happily agreed to one last NST session on Forrest. Then, my IV line was taken out and I was sent on my happy little way with discharge instructions. 

Remus, who had been alone for approximately 100 billion hours in his world, was overjoyed to see me and, admittedly, I was excited to see him.

After my mom left and Danny got home (he'd left the hospital separately), I cried lying on the bed, holding my dog. Everything I'd learned--about my body, about my baby's now very, very close exit into the world--terrified me all once. It didn't help that, 10 minutes after lying down, I'd pulled my computer onto my lap and googled "preeclampsia." 

However, I started to see that all the little warning signs I'd thought of had added up to something big. My puffy feet and hands were "normal" of pregnancy, but the degree to which they had swollen in the past two weeks had become scary. My headaches, my weight gain, my suddenly low number of trips to the bathroom... little warning signs that don't seem like they add up to anything other than pregnancy. I thought I was just being anxious and weird (which, to be honest, I always think I have something potentially deadly lurking), but I was really seeing tiny fragments of a big picture. 

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What this means for Danny, Forrest, and I is very simple: for the next few days, I monitor my blood pressure religiously and go to the doctor every two days. If I get a high BP reading, I call my doctor; if I feel weird or start getting an even worse headache, I call my doctor. I'll be doing another NST on Tuesday and an ultrasound on Thursday. 

The biggest, scariest part is this: Most likely, Forrest will be born by Friday. 

Friday! 

Let that sink in for a minute. I've lived in relative sureness that I would go over my due date. In fact, I think if it was up to Forrest and his wishes, he'd be in there for a long longer. However, as my doctor has told me multiple times, at a certain point, the benefits won't outweigh the risks. His health, at a certain point, can't trump mine, because there isn't much point into bringing a baby into the world if I die in the process. 

I'm really lucky to have caught my preeclampsia early in its onset (it can start incredibly suddenly and skyrocket in days) and to have developed it so late in my pregnancy. Forrest is lucky too: if he is born on Friday at the latest, he will be 37 weeks, which is passed the typical need for a NICU stay. I'm lucky that I have an excellent doctor and access to incredible Mother-Baby services. My stay in the hospital was unpleasant, but each and every single nurse and CNA I met was amazing. I'm lucky that I have a great husband to fetch me more water and a great dog to "babysit" me. I'm also lucky to have a mom and dad who bend over backwards to make sure I'm ok and have what I need. I'm surrounded by really great friends and family, so Forrest and I couldn't be any luckier, preeclampsia or not.