Does Everyone Think I'm Lazy? (& Other Questions I Ask Myself)

A year ago, I could have read a variety of opinions on pregnancy and dismissed them as a) just jerks or b) valid, if somewhat stupid. But it took reading a variety of comments on a maternity leave blog post to make me realize that some people really do believe that pregnant women are lazy liars who lie and act like special snowflakes. 

The world definitely feels divided into two camps: those who worship pregnancy and act like it's the be-all-end-all of a woman's life; and those who think that pregnancy is the least important thing the world and that pregnant women are just lazy, excuse-makers. 

News flash: neither one of these opinions are very good. 

I read a lot of articles about women in business. Like, a lot. Last week, I read an interview with a woman (who'd been the CEO of a major company) who admitted to believing women who were pregnant or mothers were lazier than other employees.

No dancing around it--that's what she believed. She routinely scheduled last minute meetings at 4:30pm and wondered why female employees with children always said they couldn't make them (were they lazy? Definitely, she believed). She hated that they left at 5pm on the dot. She hated that they didn't go to after work drinks or make the attempt to socialize. She resented them. In an interview once, she didn't stand up for a female interviewee as her male coworker berated the interviewee for having children. She turned down a collaboration with Time magazine because her contact with them had "too many photos" of her kids in her cubicle so she assumed the contact at Time would be flaky. Yeah, she assumed a high-powered exec at Time freaking magazine would be flaky because she had too many pictures of her kids. We won't even get into how she treated pregnant employees: while it is illegal to fire pregnant women, she made it clear she wished she could have. 

This all changed when, surprise, she herself had a child later in life. She realized that mothers couldn't make 4:30pm meetings because they had to pick up their kids from daycare; she realized that was the same reason they were "lazy" and never stayed past 5pm or met up with coworkers for drinkers. She also realized that while they left at 5pm on the dot, they also showed up at 7:30 or 8:00 (about two or three hours before she showed up for the day) and had been working consistently while she enjoyed a workout and coffee. She realized she'd held a lot of really stupid opinions about women and mothers. 

This isn't a topic I really thought about before I got pregnant. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what happened to women with children. I casually avoided those articles about "leaning in" and "having it all." It just wasn't an interest of mine. 

But in the last month, I've found myself thinking more and more about it. I can't brush off negative opinions about pregnant women or mothers anymore because I realize more and more this is how people may begin to see me.  

While reading another article on maternity leave, there were comments that talked about how some people find pregnancy "creepy" or "gross" (ok, fair enough, it's kind of weird). There were also comments that talked about the selfishness and laziness of pregnant women. While I hoped these comments would be singular, I was surprised to see tons of people replying in agreement: that, yes, pregnant women and mothers are obviously lazy and think they are special. 

I always wonder if people like that are projecting. Are they themselves bad at their jobs? Do they wish they could be lazy? Do they want to be the center of attention? Who knows. All I know is: they got on the internet and decided to say pregnant women are lazy and tons of people agreed. 

This made me ask: do people totally think I'm being lazy?

There seems to be the common thought that women who are pregnant (or mothers) just need to "buck up and get to work" and not complain. The fact is, that probably won't be able to happen. Every pregnancy is different, but depending on the individual they might not be physically able to "buck u[ and get to work." If someone is throwing up until 11am everyday, they won't be able to go to work until then. If someone is so tired they fall asleep at 6pm everyday, they probably aren't going to be able to work past 4 or 5pm. Despite what many people think, growing a human being is pretty tiring. 

That doesn't mean pregnant women should get whatever they want. That certainly isn't the case. I still drag myself to work--even when I feel pukey or tired or whatever--and try my hardest to get my work done. However, there are days when I say screw it and take a few hours break or work from home or whatever. That's just the way it is. C'est la vie. Does that make me lazy? Maybe. Could I totally work through it? Probably. But would I be miserable? Yeah.

Maybe that all makes me lazy--and maybe people will judge me for it--but at the end of the day, I think we can all agree: anyone who judges women on their pregnancy or their position as a mother is probably a huge jerk. 

It's Better If We Don't Talk About All the Stuff I Have to Give Up

I promise, seriously, that not every post I write will be about being pregnant. Except this one will be. And maybe a few more. Ok, to be honest, I hate when people get pregnant and it becomes their entire life. I've been a major mommy blog hater for a long time--especially if that blogger started as a non-mommy blogger--and I probably will always be. There is something gross about pimping your kids out for content on the internet. 

That being said, being pregnant is very all-consuming. Being pregnant dictates things you can and cannot do. For example, I can't get dental work until my 2nd trimester (sorry fillings I've put off for a year!), nor can I even get dental x-rays or a cleaning. I can't drink. I can't eat pepperoni or hot dogs or anything with nitrates. I can't drink caffeine. (If you know me, you know giving up Diet Pepsi/Diet Coke is serious.) I have to take prenatal vitamins and occasionally milk of magnesia, dear god. Sometimes, I gag when I clear my throat. 

I have found though that life is better if we don't talk about all the stuff I have to give up, like another trip to Disneyland (sniffle), tuna fish sandwiches, and feeling non-queasy at any given point throughout the day. This is difficult because the question I most often get asked is: "Do you miss ______ yet?" With that blank containing one of the following: coffee; caffeine; fish; sushi; everything; or not being pregnant. 

It's hard to be pregnant in a world where so often being pregnant is focused on the things that happen to me and that I can't have. Pregnancy is so often depicted as a time of vomiting, caffeine deprivation,  and general bitchiness. Which, yeah, I mean, that's not wrong. 

But there is more to being pregnant than feeling sick, mean, and tired. There is a lot more to pregnancy than giving up caffeine and effective painkillers for 9 months. 

Danny and I have decided that every time I get upset about something I can't have, we will turn the conversation to talk about what we will have. That is a baby. I will have a baby. Isn't that way better than a cup of coffee or a Diet Pepsi? As much as I totally would love a hot dog, I'm way more excited about a baby (my baby!) than a hot dog. 

My mom has been pretty shocked by my lack-of-sickness. True: I feel like reheated crap most days, nauseous from morning until evening. However, I haven't thrown up nearly as much as I expected to, given my mom's and my sister's history with morning sickness. My mom always tells me though, "The end result is the same. You get a baby."

There are a lot of things in pregnancy that exist on a person-by-person basis. Some women get implantation bleeding and put a lot of stock in it... but a vast majority of women just don't get it. (Personally, it felt like I'd done a killer ab work out on the day where I think the embryo implanted properly.) It's the same with spotting, with morning sickness, with fatigue. 

To often, people want to simplify pregnancy into a list, a set of symptoms, a state of mind. But it's way more than that. Yeah, I really miss all the stuff I don't get to eat and drink and enjoy right now. I really, genuinely do miss my morning coffee. I also really miss being able to stay up past, like, 7pm. 

But instead of focusing on what pregnancy "should" be like, I think it's more important to focus on how life-changing the next few months will be. In the next few months, I can make memories that last forever, that I can tell my baby about. I'd rather focus on that--not on what I can't do or have right now. 

Two Becomes Three

You know that TV show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? I always gave those women the benefit of the doubt. Whenever my friends, family, or coworkers made fun of the show, I'd say, "You know, not every pregnancy is the same. They might not know! They might not be as in tune with their bodies as other people! It might have been a totally weird pregnancy!" Most people would change the subject or more on. But I held fast to the idea that sometimes, you really didn't know you were pregnant. 

On February 10, I knew I was pregnant. Before I even peed on the stick. I knew it was completely as I knew the sky was blue and that gravity works. I just knew. Partly, this was because I felt awful; secondly, it was because the weekend before I had had multiple scream-crying jags aimed at poor Danny (we will laugh about those someday, I'm sure). There is nothing quite like acting like a huge asshole to make you think something is seriously wrong with me. 

And what was seriously wrong with me was a tiny embryo doing its thing inside my uterus. 

By February 11, I knew for sure I was pregnant. I took a special digital pregnancy test and everything. 

This is  stick that I peed on. 

I mean, look at that read out. That's for sure. The first test I took was negative; however, I was not deterred. I took another test the next morning and it had an extremely light plus sign. I made it through an entire day at work (give me props, right now, for this feat, because seriously) and bought these digital read outs. When it was for sure, I immediately told my mom. Because who else would I tell? 

The next few days felt so surreal. I called and made a doctor's appointment for March 5. It felt like so far away and I wanted to know, immediately, ASAP. Looking back (and knowing how far along I am now), I was only about 2.5 weeks when I tested--that's so early!! 

That first week, it felt like I had new symptoms everyday: none of my bras fit; I was exhausted; my stomach hurt; my body cramped at random times; I couldn't stand the smell of coffee; all I wanted was a hamburger; ranch dressing started to taste horrible; the smell of fried food literally made me gag. And yet, I couldn't tell anyone. I hadn't even technically missed a period yet. 

I don't know how Danny and I kept our secret for nearly a month. I told my coworker, Meredith. We told Danny's brother Nate and Nate's wife, Amy. We planned a surprise for Danny's parents when they visited in March. I bought prenatal vitamins, registered at Target for baby stuff, looked sadly at the stack of stuff in what will be the baby's room and considered moving it. I wore leggings nearly everyday, stocked up on comfy sweatshirts, and wondered when morning sickness would kick in. 

Congratulations! It's a jellybean! (It's says "hi Grandma!" because my mom ended up not being able to come in for the ultrasound.) 

Surprise: despite all evidence to the contrary, I have not had very bad morning sickness. I feel very nauseous some mornings, but have not actually gotten sick. I'm mostly super tired and cranky and generally feel like I'm dragging around an extra 10 pounds. (Another surprise: I've only gained 1 pound according to my doctor's appointment, despite feeling as if I've turned into the Michelin man.) 

Finally, post-doctor's appointment, we can talk about our future human spawn. Right now, it's still an embryo because I'm only 6W6D (7 weeks by the time this posts of course). However, it does have a four-chamber heart, that beats, which is by far the most stunning thing I've ever seen in my life.

Most people would say it is bad luck to talk about being pregnant so early, but I think it's really important to share each step of your life with other people. I know it makes people nervous, but even if something happened, it's part of my life and I don't see much of a point in keeping it hidden. 

It is strange to be at a time in my life where I know I will look back and say, "That's when my life changed. That was it." It is so weird to be actively in one of those times and to be completely aware of how life-changing it is. 

I'm very excited for this journey, though. 

My Writing Routine

Do you ever wonder what other people do at work? When they get in, what's the first thing they do? 

I spend so much of my time writing -- and thinking about writing, and researching writing -- that writing dominates my thought process and my routine at work. But when it comes to other writing, what's the routine? When I'm not checking my email, researching, or writing work-related material, what do I do with my writing life? 

I research (a lot) & make lists (a lot). 

About 65% of writing for me is researching & planning. I have successfully kept notebooks since my freshman year of college and while I haven't been as organized about it as I wish I was, I still have a vast amount of information I've collected throughout my life. Lists of quotes, ideas, stories, authors, books I want to read... I've written down basically every idea and thought I've had since 2007 and that's pretty awesome. 

It's something I still try to do today. I read; I research; I make lists. These things inform my writing in ways that are obvious and not-so-obvious. 

The Little Things

I write best under very specific circumstances. Early mornings where I have the house to myself. A cup of coffee. A candle. My notebook. My favorite pen. And good music and/or a good movie. I can write for hours like this. 

My house also has to be clean. Before I can write, before I can really get any work done, my house has to be in order -- at least the part of the house I'm in (whether that's my office or my kitchen working area). That usually means I organize and tidy up my desk area, wipe down the counters, clean the floors, and set up some flowers or a candle. I just like a cozy, clean vibe before I can get down to work. 

I mean, why work in a messy place when I can work in a clean place? Plus, less cluttered surroundings leads to less cluttered thoughts. 

Actually Writing 

When I actually get down to writing -- and I mean, really writing -- I lose track of time; I can't pay attention to anything else. All noises blend into one that lulls me into my task. My notes are there only to glance at and perhaps add to or reference, but I don't spend more than 30 seconds looking at them at a time. 

Writing is an all-consuming task that can either be immediately time consuming or can be like picking pills off a sweater (that is, dull, useless, and painful). Everyone has their own unique writing routine -- things they like to have, things they have to do before they can write -- but this is mine. And it's worked so far. 

I'm Excited for: #30Lists in March

Are you a list maker? Do you have a problem buying those magnetic list notepads from the Target $1 section? Do you have to have a list of ideas, or things you need to do, in order to remember what on earth you're supposed to be doing with the 24 hours of your day? Does your journal read like an itemized list? 

Ok, here are my answers to those questions: yes; yes, I have a drawer full of them; yes, definitely; and yes, if a stranger read my list, they'd probably think I'm crazy. 

I know I'm not alone, thanks in part to the Internet and to #30lists. 

What is #30Lists? It is a "creative journaling challenge for people who live lists." You can check out their website here. 

I participated in #30Lists last March -- it was a great activity for everyday. I wasn't working; I spent a lot of my time at home; and I needed something to occupy my time. As a journaling challenge, it doesn't take up a ton of time -- but if you scrapbook each page, it's something that can add a little simply creativity to your day without being a total time suck. 

This year, I pre-made my scrapbook. However, I included the daily prompts -- which means I can't post any pictures yet. (Spoilers, yo!) I used a small, 5x7-inch 3-ring binder (slightly smaller than one of these Project Life mini binders, but very similar). I chose this because I'd made a small binder journal for my Disneyland trip in December and had leftover paper; plus, I just liked the size. It's travel compatible and compact. As well, the small the page, the less you need to scrapbook. 

I'm excited for March to start so I can get started on my lists! Only 8 more days.  

Doing My Taxes Makes Me Feel Grown Up

As an adult, you have to take the highs with the lows. Nothing exemplifies this quite like doing your taxes. 

If you've ever used TurboTax, you've experienced the joy, and the heartache, of watching the amount of your refund (or the amount of taxes you owe) change as you enter W2s. By the end of entering your income, you're at the bottom of the barrel, the dredges: if you owe money back, the number looks huge, monumental, unfair. 

But then, the roller coaster changes and you aren't aimed down anymore. You enter deductions. Student loan interest. Mortgage interest. That number changes again -- it soars with each deduction, each business expense. You're elated, your overjoyed. 

Ok, maybe that's just my experience with taxes. The last few years, I have had teeny tiny refunds and then owed state taxes -- an experience I don't really enjoy. This year, however, I made more money, paid a mortgage, and helped pay Danny's student loans. My taxes were a much more roller coaster experience -- but the end result made me ecstatic. 

More than anything, I realized how old I am: how much I enjoy putting in numbers and learning more about the tax system, the amount of money I should owe and the amount I overpay. I enjoy the process of this learning and, more than anything, I like feeling like an adult who does her taxes herself (well, kind of -- thanks for the TurboTax, Mom!). 

Now, post-taxes, I can uncork a bottle of wine and wait for my refund checks to roll in -- so I can plop them right into savings again. 

The Things I Don't Miss Anymore

1. College. If you asked me a year ago if I would transport myself through space and time to redo my last year of college, I would have said "YES" without a second thought.  That time is gone though; I would respond with a quick "please God NO" now. 
    
2. My childhood. This is in line with college, too. A year ago, I was very nostalgic for my childhood; I wanted to revert to that time of limited responsibility and easy fun. Not anymore. 
    
3. Paying Rent. "Having a house is so much woooooork," I whined last March, three months into owning my own home. Now, as I rearrange my pictures on the wall for the fifth time, I'm really thankful that I don't rent this house. I mean, my security deposit would be gone. 
    
4. Not traveling more. I'm a contrarian. Lots and lots of people say they love traveling and it seems like a very popular mindset to have. Unfortunately, it's not one I have and for a long time, I felt "less than" because I had no interest in traveling the world. I'm interested in other countries, but I hate the process of traveling. And honestly, I don't regret my choice not to travel anymore. I'm really glad I stayed true to myself. 
    
5. Changing/"Improving" my wedding. I think lots of brides look back on their weddings and see it as the perfect day. Some look back though and see all the things they wish they could change -- I think this is all related to their personality. I'm a person who naturally picks apart everything I do in hindsight and in the moment. For a long time, I wished I could redo my wedding, change my decisions, make it better. But I'm finally in a place where I love my wedding and I wouldn't change a thing. 

How the Kindle Changed My Reading Habits

I was a book purist for the longest time. "I only read paper books,"I sneered to coworkers, friends, and family. I hoarded my thousands and thousands of books (taking up a stupid number of bookshelves in my house) and prided myself on their covers, their contents. In 2012, I started an endeavor to reread every book I owned -- which I successfully did, thankyouverymuch -- and found myself, well, bored.

I bought more books to read, but that got expensive. I started going to Goodwill to buy books for cheap -- somedays, they offered buy one, get one free or for 50 cents days, which is irresistible to book lovers. But in a small town, the book selection was slim. They had, easily, about 20 copies of all three Shades of Grey books and hundreds of Stephen King novels, as well as a surprising number of Harry Potter books, but that was about it alongside a multitude of cookbooks from the early 1990s and self-help books featuring women with shag haircuts on the front.

Occasionally, I would find well-worn copies of great books I'd always wanted to read -- like Possession by A.S. Byatt or Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver. Usually, I walked out empty-handed, wondering if I would need to reread Harry Potter for the 72nd time. 

Then, in November, I got a Kindle. It's not a fancy kind -- it only downloads and stores books, not movies or anything else. It's black and white only. Simple. I expected to use it occasionally. 

I did not expect to use my Kindle as much as I do -- which is nearly every day. I've ready over 20 books on my Kindle since I received it, a truly insane amount. I now read every night for at least an hour. 

Mostly, I find myself reading books I normally wouldn't read. When I buy physical copies of books, I'm often buying paperbacks of books I've always wanted to read. On my Kindle, I read books I can't find in stores, old books I've wanted to read forever, and new releases for less than the copy of a hardcover. The variety of books I read is greater, which makes reading much more fun. 

I'm not 100% sold by the Kindle though. It's definitely improved my reading habits, making it easier for me to read on the go or at the gym. But there is still something about opening a physical book, the feeling of the spine, the pages. I like writing in books, underlining and highlighting and taking notes. The cover art and font choice lends to the book; it's a piece of physical art to hold a beautiful book in your hands. So what about a Kindle? 

Using a Kindle isn't as much as physical experience as a physical book. But a Kindle lets most people read more books easily -- and when it comes to reading, more is always more, you know?